


A Tuskless Commision

by Tsark



Series: Tuskless Love [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series), Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, I'm Sorry, Slow Burn, Tusk Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-05-05 18:47:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 30,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14624832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsark/pseuds/Tsark
Summary: Someone has commisioned Dill and Poltroon, famous bodice-ripper type authors, to write their own version of a beloved novel owned by a certain blue tiefling.Will Fjord and Jester find love in Faerun?Will the authors be able to complete the book before their snacks run out?Who commisioned this terrible terrible work?Has anyone seen my keys?Answers to this, and more, within the pages of Tuskless Love. A story of love, intrigue and pastries set against a backdrop of a world that is mildly interested in the events around them.I'm going to do my darndest to ensure this fic gets a new chapter every Sunday, so except something new once a week!Thanks to the amount of times I've bugged her about this and she's offered some amazing wordplay, I can officially say that my lovely fiancee has been the official beta of this unofficial fanfiction AU where I own nothing except the naughty bird boy. Even then he tends to do what he wants.





	1. Tuskless Introductions

Fjord bent his darling over in a passionate wave of kisses, peppering her face and chest with his lusty delight.  
His tiefling lover gasped as waves of ecstasy rippled through her.  
“Oh Fjord!” She moaned. “Take me, take me now!”  
The half orc didn’t need telling twice as he threw her onto the bed.

Wait.  
Why is he throwing her onto the bed?

Because it’s hot, who doesn’t want to be flung into the bed and ravished?

People who know that the kind of bed you find in this kind of inn tends to be very rickety. 

So?

So she’s going to have so many back problems from this! You can’t throw her onto that bed without adding her writhing in pain as the entire thing collapses beneath her.

This is a romance novel, not a review of the best beds in Faerun!

What do you want me to do? I’m used to non fiction! I revel in facts and figures and that bed would be destroyed.

Well then what do we do? Does he throw her off the balcony? 

No that’s just silly. He could throw her in front of the fireplace. 

How are the beds so terrible but every room has space for a fireplace?

You don’t expect these inns to be able to afford underfloor heating, that’s some hefty spellwork.

Look, why don’t we make the inn have a better bed in just this one room and they got lucky?

So you want me to rewrite the entire scene where they escape to the shabbiest inn most unlikely inn they could find and even mention all those jokes about possible woodrot and umberhulk sized termites?

Would you mind? You’d know what we need to add to make the bed throwing work. 

Or we could just remove the bed throwing.

Don’t even joke!

Fine. I’ll get this sorted by the time you get back from Creepy Izaak’s. 

Why do I need to go there?

Because if I have to rewrite all this past week’s work only to have the same argument again with each rewrite to make this commision factually accurate then I’m going to need at least five of Creepy Izaak’s honey cakes. 

Can I also buy some of his Prairie Dog Dippers too?

If you agree to keep the windows open at all times. 

Deal!

****** A few hours and several varieties of snack later ******

Tuskless Love  
By Dill and Poltroon

 

The sun rose on a misty morning, filled with promise and ready to burst with life as the first warm rays woke the travelling band from their sleep.  
The merchants had been making good time in their journey, hauling several wagonloads of barrels filled to the brim with various spices and herbs to Yartar from Everlund.  
Knowing they could rest easy and enjoy themselves after selling so much, the band was eager to reach their destination.  
All save one.  
Fjord, a half orc, was troubled by the lack of excitement on the journey. He had been hoping to battle the local bandits that frequented the Evermoor Way. He was just waiting for the chance to prove his worth as a mighty warrior.  
Sadly for him, the most exciting event thus far had been the sighting of a cockatrice.  
It had turned out to be a rooster that had escaped from some farm but Erik had still threatened to write an epic ballad to the creature.  
Today seemed a day like any other. Erik sat atop the lead wagon strumming his lute and serenading the surrounding forest with a cheerful tune that seemed to cause the leaves to rustle in glee as they passed.  
Fjord rode his grey mare, Stormhoof, ahead of the wagons to scout the way ahead.

Wait, Stormhoof? Really? That seems a little over the top.  
He’s a young male half orc ranger who’s favourite books are adventure stories. What else is he going to call it, Binky?  
I see your point. Carry on.

“Fjord! Hey Fjord look!”  
“I’m not looking at your juggling pears trick again Erik.”  
Erik suffered from aspirations of grandeur as he put it. He was a healthy young Aarakocra who constantly upset his parents by trying to act the biggest fool he possibly could whenever there was company nearby.  
He had an exceptionally sharp tongue and had used it on a group of bullies attacking Fjord when they were young.  
It was the first time Fjord had seen a group of Aarakocra cry and it had been that moment when he had sworn a lifetime’s worth of fealty to Erik.  
The two had become inseparable since then. They had crossed many milestones together and worked hard to earn extra coin for their families.  
“That’s not what I was gonna show you look!”  
Fjord sighed and turned to look back and up at his friend.  
His hand rose to catch the fruit aimed directly at his face as his friend squawked “Think fast!”  
“You’re far too slow to catch me out with that old trick.” The half-orc scoffed as he took a large bite out of the pear.  
His smile quickly turned to a grimace as he spat out the lime that Erik had thrown him.  
“Never underestimate the powers of prestidigitation!” Erik called, triumphantly. “When we bards want attention you need to give it fast or face the consequences.”  
“You ALWAYS want attention.”  
The aarakocra shrugged, wings rustling softly as they rose and fell. “Again, bard.”  
Fjord growled a little and rolled his eyes, turning them once more to the road ahead.  
Erik leapt up and added a dance to his next tune, a lively jig that caused a number of squirrels to join the procession in a kick dancing line that made its way along a slender tree branch.  
“Lighten up Fjord! Dance first, worry later!”  
“Someone has to worry now or we’ll all end up dead!”  
“From what? The local bunnies?”  
A loud shriek erupted from the road ahead.  
Erik looked over to Fjord. “Must be big bunnies.” He quipped, even as he reached for his crossbow and leapt into the air.  
Signalling to his family that there was trouble ahead, Fjord leapt forward into the unknown fray ahead of him.


	2. Tuskless New Faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The saga continues and now we have a new face! Also bandits, but don't get attached to the bandits. 
> 
> Little bit of swearing in this one but most of it is in infernal so only a word or two got through in common. 
> 
> Heroic deeds!
> 
> Less heroic deeds! 
> 
> Gross things!
> 
> I got pie!

Fjord broke through a wall of thin shrubs and urged Stormhoof on as he unsheathed his falchion, following the scream.  
Seeing a group of figures ahead, he roared and raised his sword so that it glinted in the afternoon sunlight.  
Seven bandits paused in the act of pawing at a young woman and sifting through a broken carriage’s shell to look up at the green warrior bearing down on them.  
An eagle’s scream from somewhere high above told Fjord that Erik had found the battle site and the half-orc grinned as he dug his heels into Stormhoof’s sides.  
Immediately three of the bandits grabbed hwat spoils they could, turned tail and ran into the woods with a speed matched only by hares.  
Of the remaining four, one held onto the woman who whimpered in his grip and the other three leapt into position to slice at Fjord as he rode through them.  
He raised his falchion and brought it down with a wet thud into the skull of the first bandit. An arrow that must have come from Erik slammed down into the second’s shoulder at high speed, making him scream and spin away.  
The third aimed a large mace at Fjord’s leg just as the half-orc hit him square in the nose with the heel of his boot.  
“Stop dancing around and kill them!” The bandit holding the women screeched. He started to try and drag her away as the second and third bandits came forward.  
The closer bandit, a half elf, smashed Fjord in the chest with a large warhammer and knocked him to the ground.  
As he fell, Fjord made sure to fall on the second bandit and bore them both to the ground. The third bandit started to aim, then crumpled as a second arrow came from Erik’s bow, quickly followed by a cry of ‘Suck it bitch!’  
Fjord leapt up from his prone position on the breathless creature beneath him, crunching his heel into the man’s groin as he did so, then swiped at the second bandit.  
The half-elf leapt back and barely avoided the tip of the sword as it hummed past his chest.  
The man Fjord had stepped on limped upright and whimpered in a bent position.  
Despite his best efforts, the bandit dragging the woman away was failing in his task as she repeatedly hit him with her elbow and stomped on his feet with her high heeled shoes.  
Fjord raised his sword and snarled at the bandit in front of him, the half-elf raised his own sword and locked eyes with the half orc, unafraid and ready for a fight.  
The fight died as his eyes rolled back in his head, body crumpling as the bolt from a crossbow blossomed in his ear. Fjord looked up as his father and a small group of other merchants raced through the trees, ready to defend their family.  
The final bandit saw the group of yelling attackers and raced for the freedom of the woods, limping as he went.  
Seeing himself alone, the bandit holding the woman gave up on trying to drag her and smashed the hilt of his dagger into the back of her head, causing her to go limp in his grip.  
Lifting her over his shoulder, he started to head for the woods after his colleague.  
Fjord called a warning to his family then raced after the bandit, determined to rescue the innocent.  
The bandit leapt nimbly over the local roots and under loose branches, heading swiftly for deeper cover.  
Erik tried to aid Fjord’s pursuit with his bow but his first arrow slammed into a clump of vines and the quarry disappeared from his sight.  
Fjord tried to leap over a root but fell flat on his face and could only roar after the bandit “Come back here!”  
Behind him, a bowstring twanged and his father’s crossbow hit the bandit squarely in the back.  
Dropping like a stone, the bandit slammed his head against a rock and lay still.  
Fjord’s father lumbered up behind him and offered a hand to help his son up. “At least you tried kiddo, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it if you get her face out of that suspicious puddle before she drowns.”

Oh here we go, pee jokes again.

Not necessarily! There could have been a recent rainfall.

A recent rainfall right after you’ve had Erik singing and dancing on top of the wet wagons?

He’s got great dexterity, he’s a bard!

You’re not going to have her roll over into ‘something soft’ later are you?

Not until right after the second sex scene. 

You’re incorrigible.

Fjord hurried towards the prone form of the woman as his family started to look over the ruined wagon the bandits had attacked in a search for survivors.  
Kneeling next to the woman,he carefully turned her onto her back and checked her breathing.  
She was alive!  
Brushing the hair out of her face he finally got a look at her.  
She was a blue tiefling with blue hair. She had two curling horns atop her head and wore clothes that looked more suited to a ballroom than traipsing through the woods.  
Fjord did the only thing that made sense when faced with such a vision.  
He raised a hand and slapped her cheek firmly.  
The tiefling groaned a little but her eyes remained closed. Fjord struck her again and snapped “Hey, wake up!” to try and bring her round.  
So far he had produced two marks on her face and she still remained unconscious.  
Hearing the crackle of sticks behind him, Fjord turned to see Erik stomping towards him. The bard preferred the air and had never learned how to be truly stealthy when on the ground.  
“Did you need help finishing that one off?” He asked, crushing a small mushroom under his claw as he moved closer.  
“She’s not a bandit, they were going to kidnap her. I think she might be really hurt it she won’t wake up.”  
“Let me take a look at her… Yeah I see what you mean, that guy must have slapped her around something fierce.”  
Fjord cleared his throat and became very interested in rearranging the woman’s cloak so that she could be a little more comfortable. “Can you do anything for her?” He asked.  
“Sure let me just…. there we go.” Erik reached out with his hand and cast Cure Wounds on the tiefling, who began to stir and moan a little.  
“You take care of the damsel in distress, I’ll ensure our fallen enemy stays distressed.” Erik said, wiping the mushroom mess off of his foot before he moved towards the bandit.  
The tiefling’s eyes fluttered open and looked up at Fjord.  
“Hi, my name is Fjord and-”  
With an angry hiss, the tiefling snarled something in Infernal and slashed at the half-orc’s face with her claws.  
Yelping, Fjord released her and leaned away from the attack, letting her roll back and suddenly sit up. “Ewww I sat in something, is this a mushroom?”

You little shit.

I know! Once you put the idea in my head I had to!

“Who are you? Are you working for those bandits? I will destroy you if you try to grab at me again that was not funny!”  
“Hey woah I’m not with them and I am not trying to be funny I can assure you. My name is Fjord I act as a scout and protector of my family’s caravan there. Look you can see our wagons coming through the trees over there!”  
It took a moment, but the tiefling turned her head and spotted the families trailing after the fighters.  
“If what you say is true, why put yourself in so much danger? What do you know of me?”  
“Honestly ma’am, I don’t know much of anything about who you are or where you’re heading to. All I know is that you were in danger and we were the closest folks available to help you.”  
“Also we know that dress makes your boobs look great!” Erik added from behind Fjord.  
The half orc rolled his eyes and muttered a silent prayer for patience.  
The woman giggled and swished her skirts from side to side as she tucked her chin and looked down at herself.  
“They are pretty awesome, right?”  
Glad to have been useful, Erik nodded and went back to examining the bandit.  
“So you just came out of nowhere to save me and my companions?” She asked, cocking her head coyly to one side.  
“Well, yeah. I like to think that the best thing you can do is protect those that need it when they need someone. Isn’t that what heroes do?”  
The tiefling smiled at Fjord’s speech. “So I’ve heard.” She agreed.  
“Is it still heroic if we poisoned a guy?” Erik called, interrupting the reverie.  
“Wait, we what?” Fjord spluttered, turning back towards his friend.  
“Yeah, this guy must have grabbed the potion while you were talking, he’s very dead.”  
“Very dead?”  
“Yeah most alive people less blood erupting from their face.”  
“Eww.” The tiefling said again.  
“We’d better let dad know, anything weird happens on the road he likes to be made aware. Then at least he’s less surprised when weird shit happens to us specifically.”  
“We’d better introduce you too miss…?” Erik said as he strolled back towards the caravan.  
The tiefling curtsied neatly and smiled with a delicate mouth that hinted of mischief.  
“My name is Jester, pleased to meet you.”


	3. Tuskless Agreements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new challenger appears!
> 
> And Fjord's dad gets a name, which will most likely be completely wrong when we get that far in the real Fjord's back story but this is an AU so woohoo momentary wish fulfillment!
> 
> No bandits were harmed in the making of this chapter, but a squirrel did miss his high kick and had to go into the break room to calm down.

As they reached the caravan, Fjord’s father waved his son over and indicated a locked chest in the midst of the ruined wagon.  
A locked chest that was loudly swearing as it shook roughly from side to side.   
“Looks like they locked your travelling companion in here.” He told Jester, who was watching it curiously. “Any chance you could help me with the lock son?”  
Fjord nodded and gently pushed Jester back before taking a swing at the padlock holding the chest closed.  
Immediately, a half a dozen silken clothes and one tall human burst forth before the watchers.   
The merchants and Jester looked at the human.   
The human looked back at them.   
“Is everyone still fighting?” She demanded.   
“No,” said Fjord’s father. “We either killed the bandits or scared them off.”  
The human crossed her arms. “Ha! Lucky for THEM, now they don’t have to face me!”  
The gathered masses stood in awe of the human before them, at her muscles, her presence, her ability to count from one to a hundred really fast, her perfect eyebrows, her-

Wait, wait, wait, where is all this coming from?

It was in the notes for the commision, there’s about five pages more to go. 

Yeah we’re going to need to skip a lot of this. I’ll speak to the correspondent don’t worry. 

Erik stepped forward and offered a hand to the newcomer to help her step out of the chest, then stepped back as she ran towards Jester.  
“Oh my gods are you okay? Did they hurt you? Who do I have to kill? How mad is your mom going to be?”  
“I’m fine, they just hit me on the head a little but then they were poisoned so you can’t kill them and probably a lot but she’s been mad for a while now so it’s fine!” Jester finished the explanations and wrapped her arms around her friend for a hug.   
Pulling away again, the tiefling waved a hand towards the amused faces of Fjord and his family.   
“These are the nice people who killed a lot of men for me! Isn’t that sweet?”  
“Hell yeah that’s sweet! Thanks for picking up the slack guys. My name’s Beauregard but you can all call me Beau.”  
“Hi, I’m Fjord, you can just call me Fjord.”  
“And I’m Erik. You can call me ‘Hot Stuff’”  
“I’m gonna pass on that but I like the enthusiasm eagle looking dude.”  
“And I am the leader of this merchant caravan whose journey you have interrupted.” Fjord’s father interjected.  
“And I’m Jester!”The tiefling said, raising her hand high in the air.   
“You sure are kiddo!” Erik agreed, making her giggle.  
“Perhaps I should take the lead here.” Fjord’s father suggested. “My name is Torgan and I would very much like to know why a group of bandits took enough of an interest in you two that they’d rather die than get caught robbing you?”  
“Well I do wear very pretty dresses,” Jester said. “Is it not possible they couldn’t think clearly and got so excited that they were like ‘man if we don’t rob these guys I am just going to die’ and then they did die and that’s what happened?”  
Torgan stared at her for a moment, then turned to Beau. “What say you then? Is there anything we should be made aware of? Any danger we may have inadvertently put ourselves in?”  
Beau stared back at the large orc, completely unafraid despite the massive, looming height difference.   
“Well I just don’t know at all!” She sid, hands on hips and leaning back a little so she could look up into his eyes. “We’re just two young ladies trying to make our way to a meeting in Yartar. Just… on our way to meet a friend about… a… horse.”  
“A horse?”  
“A very fast horse. Yes.”  
“So you were attacked by bandits who didn’t want us to know that they were about to stop you seeing a man about a horse.”  
“Exactly! And what about you huh? Just HAPPENED to be walking by?”  
“Yes. This is a well known route and we’re off to do business of our own.”  
“And I’m going to get married to a member of the Lord’s Alliance!” Jester grinned.  
Beau slapped a palm onto her face in chagrin. “Jester I swear to every god…”  
“Ahhh so it’s a high born lady off to merge fortunes with someone I see?” Torgan grinned the grin of a man who knew how to sniff out money. “Well I certainly couldn’t get in the way of such an auspicious occasion! We’ll just let you carry on unencumbered with the company of merchants. Come along boys.”  
Torgan put a hand on Fjord and Erik’s shoulders and started to lead them away. “We wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of such rich individuals private matters. We’ll just let you go, it shouldn’t be that long a walk.”  
Fjord rolled his eyes. “Gods dad you are so transparent.”  
“Son if it’s dumb and it works it isn’t dumb. Now don’t look back, we have to sell it.”  
Fjord’s ear pricked up at the sound of a hurriedly whispered conversation behind them, before Beau’s voice cried out. “Hey! Wait, we might have a business proposition for you.”  
“Torgan leaned down to mutter “Never fails.” Then turned back to the two women, all business again. “Yes?”  
“So, we might be able to make use of you as you so cleverly… worked out. This is Lady Jester, only child of the famous Ruby of the Sea and I am her bodyguard.”  
Jester bobbed down in a neat curtsey and waved with a grin.   
“As you may have also noticed our wagon is…. in some disarray.”   
The last wheel still attached to the battered wood of the wagon fell off with a loud clunk.  
“I see. Does this have anything to do with us?” Torgan bounced on the balls of his feet, clearly having fun with this.   
Beau sighed and rolled her head back with a frustrated air. Jester poked her leg with her tail to encourage her to continue talking. “Could you please maybe, possibly, help us get to Yartar?”   
Torgan breathed deeply and let his gaze veer to the side, as if he was musing some great cosmic wonder.   
“How much is it worth to you?”  
“Seriously? She’s the daughter of a real life queen and you guys want to ask her for money?”  
“Well when you put it like that she seems the best person to ask for money.”  
“Well, yeah ok. But I mean, we don’t actually have anything right now.”  
“Yeah,” Jester added. “I don’t know if you guys realise this but we were just robbed and almost kidnapped. So we’re out of money and I need to find a tailor to fix this rip in my clothes too.”  
“Oh my wife can sew that up no trouble little one. Just as soon as we reach an agreement.”  
Beau crossed her arms again. “What kind of agreement?”  
“The kind where you get your little friend there to sign a contract agreeing to pay us for our time and services in keeping the two of you safe and sound all the way to Yartar. Plus whatever expenses may be incurred from keeping you two alive on the way there.”  
Beau pinched the bridge of her nose in annoyance until Jester tugged at her shirt.  
“Beau? I would really like to get my dress fixed. Plus they seem nice!”  
Beau glanced at her, Torgan grinned at the both of them.   
Finally, Beau threw her hands into the air. “Fine! Screw it, we’ll pay you whatever you need. Just get the paper written up and we’ll sign it.”  
“The perfect way to end a business meeting in my opinion!” Torgan spat on his palm. “It’s a deal then!” He offered his hand for Beau to shake, who looked at it with a frozen expression.  
“If it’s ok with you I’ll just sign the paper big guy.”  
“Fine by me. You follow me to the lead wagon then. Fjord , you take young miss Jester to your mother to get her clothes sorted.”  
Jester skipped up towards Fjord and slipped an arm around his left while doing the same to Erik’s right.   
“I bet we’re going to have so much fun on this trip!” She giggled.


	4. Tuskless assassin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More family! And probably the last chapter with random nonsense. Next chapter, fluffy feelings and butterflies in stomachs! Possibly because someone ate them but it depends how much the characters choose to drink. 
> 
> Beau didn't make an appearance this time because she's negotiating contracts, which basically means at every contentious point she challenged Fjord's dad to an arm wrestle.

Fjord took Jester along to the rear wagon, where his mother insisted on riding with the youngest family members.   
Knocking politely on a wooden slat, Fjord opened the wagons privacy curtain and offered Jester a hand to pull her in after him.  
“Now just to make you aware, we tend to use this one for a type of day care. Meaning there's an awful lot of-”  
He was interrupted by the sudden wave of children from toddler to almost teenage years yelling at the top of their lungs “UNCLE FJORD!” As they mobbed him.  
“Oh no!” He cried out in mock horror, falling neatly to the floor in a way that allowed the very young children to reach him for hugs.  
“You are very popular it seems!” Jester chuckled, waving a hand at the last few children who were standing to one side. They watched her shyly, then raised their hands back.  
“Well these are all children of the traders, we've either been raised together so all the younger folks look out for each other.” A pair of half elf twins on each of Fjord’s hips leapt off and suddenly ran to one side.   
Jester noticed the other children following suit with sparkling eyes but chose to wait and see what would happen.   
“Now there shouldn't just be these little rascals here, we should also have my mother somewhere around. I was going to ask her about fixing your dress since she's the best seamstress we have here.”  
Fjord broke off from his explanations as he realised the children had become very still and very quiet.  
They were also watching him very closely with gleeful grins on their faces.  
“Uh oh.”  
“What?”  
“Thing about my mother is, she's an assassin.”  
“Like a real assassin? As in she’s killed people?”  
“Well yeah,that’s how she met dad. But it means she really enjoys sneaking up on people to keep her skills sharp.” Fjord was edging towards the wall now, head turning to see all the corners at once.   
“Does she do anything bad if she catches you?”  
“Well no, mostly sheeeeeEEAAAARRRGGHH!!”   
Jester jumped as Fjord screamed suddenly, turning to see a pair of arms fly from the wall behind him and wrap around his torso in a tight squeeze.   
The children jumped up and clapped with joy as they cheered Fjord’s mother.   
“Hug attack! You need to get better at perceiving your surroundings darling.” The soft voice came from a beautiful woman with waves of dark hair peering out from under the hood of a black cloak that seemed to shimmer into view as she stepped out of the shadow she’d been hidden in.   
“Or you could stop trying to give me a heart attack every time I come back here.” Fjord grumbled, submitting to his mother’s affections.  
“Get over yourself sweetheart, I’ve changed your diapers.”  
“MOM! We have a GUEST!”  
“Oh hello, oooh a young lady?”  
Jester curtsied. “Yes ma’am, it’s a pleasure to meet you, my name’s Jester.”  
“So polite, he can’t have picked you up by himself. Are you one of Erik’s friends?”  
“No but he’s fun isn’t he? They saved me when some bandits were trying to kidnap me and locked my friend in a chest. She really didn’t enjoy that at all, they didn’t leave her anything to do in there so she would have been so bored.”  
“I bet, darling she’s adorable but what is she doing here?”  
“Well because she tore her clothes during the fight. Dad sent us to ask if you could fix them.”  
“Oh well let me have a look dear. Hmmmm I’m going to need to fix the lining here, do you have anything else to wear?”  
“I’m not sure we have anything left, the bandits took most of our possessions before they ran away.”  
“Well that’s a problem.”  
“Not from where I’m standing.” Came Erik’s voice from outside the wagon.   
“That’s where you were hiding young man!” Fjord’s mother declared. “Get in here and give your auntie a hug!”  
“Is the jumpscare stuff over?”  
“Come in and find out you silly boy!”  
Erik leapt into the wagon and wrapped his arms around the woman. His wings spread forward and encompassed her as they squeezed each other.  
The hug was ended prematurely when Erik was smacked across the beak with the flat of the assassin’s hand.

Can’t you just allow a sweet moment between characters?

Not until I know they’re going to fall in love.

Just admit you’re prejudiced towards assassins. We had the same issue in ‘Dance with Daggers’

That was a perfectly valid plot point and you know it. 

You can say that, but we both know she should have ended up with that bard. 

You’re obsessed with bards. 

There’s always worse things!

“You two have been riding up front with Torgan every day this week! The first time I see you and it’s because you need something, you boys owe me a family dinner!”  
Jester pressed her hands to her cheeks and gasped softly. “Fjord is that true? Are you a bad son?”  
“Hey don’t gang up on me!”  
“It’s true,” his mother said. “He hasn’t even given me a birthday present for the longest time!”  
“Your birthday was last month and I got you that sash you’re wearing right now.”  
“See? A whole month! Shocking!”  
Jester broke her shocked expression as laughter bubbled through her, Fjord’s mother chuckled along and kisses Fjord’s cheek as he crossed his arms in an annoyed manner.  
“Oh darling I have to tease or you’d be unstoppable.”  
“Well if you’re done, what are we going to do about the clothes situation?”  
“Easily solved, we still have a set of your old clothes here. We were going to pass them on to little Timmy but he just had his growth spurt and we ended up using your father’s clothes. Turned out he was a half elf all along, his mum just said he was a full halfling because there was a bit of a scandal involving a lute, a barrel of golden gulp and a very charismatic warlock.”  
Fjord sighed. “Well at least we know why he was always so much taller than the other kids, can we leave Jester with you to get changed?”  
“Of course! Come on sweetheart let’s get you changed and talk about when Fjord was a little baby running around the wagons all naked…”  
“Maybe I should stay after all.”  
“Out! You and Erik go back to the head of the line and get the caravan moving again.”  
Fjord grumbled, but hopped out. His ears turning red as he heard his mother start the story about when he ate a frog by accident.   
“Cheer up buddy,” Erik said, wrapping an arm around his friend’s shoulders. “At least she hasn’t offered to show her that birthmark you have on your-”  
Erik stopped and started to race ahead, cackling madly as Fjord swung his falchion after his lifelong friend.


	5. Tuskless Negotiations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fjord's mum gets a name! Jester gets new clothes..... sort of. Beau gets a win and Erik invents finger guns!

Entering the lead wagon, which was still stationary with people milling around. Every now and again a roaring sound erupted from the wagon, a sound which grew in volume as Erik and Fjord got closer to it.  
“What do you think that’s all about?” Erik murmured into Fjord’s ear.  
Shrugging, the half orc replied “If it was another attack we’d have heard about it, also that’s not dad’s ‘fighting’ roar. It kind of sounds like the noise he makes when he’s won the drinking contest at the tavern.”  
Another roar erupted, this one sounding unfamiliar, but similar to Torgan’s in tone.  
The pair were close enough now to see that a small crowd of traders were gathered at the entryway of the lead wagon and were eagerly watching the action inside.  
Fjord put a hand to a few shoulders and gently pushed his way to the front, followed closely by Erik.  
As the last of the watchers parted, the boys saw Torgan seated comfortably in his chair in front of the thin table that served as a work desk. In front of him sat Beauregard, both feet on the seat of the chair and holding herself up on tiptoe as they both perused a piece of parchment in front of them and a quill set in an inkpot on one side.  
Torgan leaned back and crossed his arms with a grin on his face. “The final point, is whether or not you can procure gems as well as coin. Those we can sell on for a much higher profit than coin alone would give us.”  
Beauregard rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “Now I can’t guarantee that my telling the big shots that this is what you were told you’d get will actually happen. I can all but guarantee the money cause this guy is a huge stickler for paying off his debts but gems too might be a sore point. I can tell him you asked if that would be an option for part of the payment and see what he says.”  
“Ah but you say he’s a man who pays his debts? If you sign to say that gems were agreed at the time then there’s a decent chance he’ll agree right away.”  
“One more round then we call it done?” The monk asked eagerly, resting her elbow on the table and holding her hand open towards Torgan.  
“Agreed!” Boomed the orc, grinning and showing his tusks as he took his opponents hand in a firm grip, resting his own elbow on the table before him.  
Immediately, the gathered crowd cheered and shouted encouragement to the two competitors as they started to strain to push the other’s arm onto the table.  
Fjord and Erik looked at each other.  
“I’ll bet a gold coin on your dad if you bet on the monk.”  
“You have got yourself a deal there,KICK HIS ASS BEAUREGARD!”  
“YOU CAN DO IT TORGAN! I BET SHE NEVER RIPPED A DEER IN HALF!”  
The crowd called out with cheers and jeers for both sides, some of the opposing comments coming from the same people.  
A few moments later the competitors arms started to sway back and forth as the two strained against each other, muscles bulging through their skin.  
For a full minute, Torgan inched Beauregard’s arm down towards the wood of the table. Almost brushing her knuckles against the grain of the wood, the monk changed her breathing a little and started to push back hard enough to force the Orc’s hand the other way.  
Torgan snarled as his eyes narrowed and sweat started to bead on his forehead.  
The lower his hand went the cockier the monk’s smile grew as he own perspiration started to drip down her face.  
The crowd started to chant each competitor’s name as the arm wrestling competition continued.  
“Tor-GAN! Tor-GAN! Tor-GAN!”  
“BEAU-re-GARD! BEAU-re-GARD! BEAU-re-GARD!”  
The two warriors locked eyes as they entered the final moments of battle, glaring at each other as Torgan’s hand rose, fell, rose again, then suddenly slammed into the wooden table with a meaty thud.  
The crowd went wild with cheers for Beauregard, patting the monk on the shoulder as the two nearest traders raised her hands high in the air in a victory pose.  
More traders patted Torgan’s shoulders in commiseration as he laughed off the loss and rubbed some feeling back into his abused hand.  
“Are you sure you’re fully human lass? I fear you have some giant blood in you with a fighting spirit like that!”  
Beau laughed as she tried to massage her tender shoulder. “Sorry big guy, this is all me. One hundred and fifty percent human with a touch of badass!”  
The crowd roared with laughter and Beau was slapped on the back a few times as they started to disperse, sensing the end of the fun and games.  
Fjord held his hand out and grinned at Erik, who rolled his eyes and flicked a coin into the air.  
Fjord snatched it on it’s downward fall and strolled towards his father. “Negotiations going well dad?”  
“Marvellous my boy! It’s rare I find a human who can match my strength, most of them snap so easily.”  
“Uhhh just to confirm,” Beau interrupted. “I did actually beat you on that last one.”  
“Indeed you did! Democracy in action. It’s a beautiful thing.”  
“Uh dad?” Fjord leaned in closer to his father’s ear. “Mama’s been getting a little antsy for us to get moving, she’s got an eye on the other girl so we’re just waiting for your signal to get moving.”  
“Ahh she’s right. My beautiful wife must have her demands met or else we must all suffer.”

Doesn’t that seem a little sexist?

How do you mean?

Well Torgan’s comment makes it seem like she’s going to nag everyone if she doesn’t get her way. 

Oh no, no I didn’t mean she’d nag people…. Hold on I can fix this, give me the quill. 

“Wow,” said Beauregard crossing her arms. “You think your wife is gonna nag you just cause you disagree?”  
“No, my wife tends to have good ideas and she knows it. If I end up going against those ideas and we end up stuck in a position that threatens the camp then she in turn threatens to remove my ability to make children.”

I’m not sure that’s better, we’re going to get letters about this. 

Well they won’t be as bad as that letter from the crown’s guard so I don’t see what you’re worried about.

I pray someday I will have your level of nihilism. 

“Do you want me to ride ahead dad?”  
“No son, I’ll give the order. You work out sleeping arrangements for this fine arm wrestling champion and her companion.”  
With a chuckle and a fist bump for Beau, Torgan lumbered out of the wagon and headed for the last of the milling crowd.  
Fjord turned to Beau who had leaned back in the chair and now draped one leg over the table with the other pushing against it and rocking her chair back and forth on its two back legs as she perused the contract.  
“So, you have roughly two choices. Technically three.”  
“Oh yeah? What do we get as stowaways?”  
“Well you can have a bed amongst the kids in the big wagon we took your friend to. Only problem there is when they’re awake, you’re awake. Second choice is taking a place in one of the spinster wagons with a couple of our unattached lady traders. Nothing bad there but they do tend to stay up quite late discussing weaponry and trap building. We have a lot of rangers and rogues in our group.”  
“Birds of a feather huh?” Beau asked, raising her eyebrows at Erik with a cocky grin. The bard pointed both his hands at her in a finger guns gesture and grinned right back.  
“So what’s the third option? Cause hanging around with strangers while I’m unconscious isn’t my favourite past time.”  
“Well the third option is you stay in Erik’s bed. He likes to ride on the roof of the wagons, which gives him a great vantage point but without being able to fly you might be a bit screwed if you roll over during the night.”  
“But I am willing to share a bed with two lovely ladies if you need protection from gravity.” Erik said, preening a little.  
Beau looked at the aarakocra and turned back to Fjord. “I think I’d prefer to stay with the ladies, but I’ll see what Jester wants to do.”  
“Speaking of which,” came a feminine voice as the door of the wagon was opened again. Fjord’s mother stepped inside with a large smile.  
“Oh hello dear, you must be Beau. I’m Sarissa, Jester and I have been getting to know each other.”  
“We found clothes too!” Came a happy voice from behind her. Sarissa grinned and stepped aside as Jester hopped into the wagon wearing a pair of tan breeches, a leather vest and underneath that what must have been a shirt.  
It looked like a shirt that had tried to mate with another shirt and produced a strange hybrid made of strangely dyed cloth.  
“You shirt alone was a little bit too tight in the chest.” Sarissa explained. “So I sewed two shirts into one to make up for the lack of extra cloth.”  
“It’s true.” Jester confirmed. “You could see everything!”  
Erik cocked his head to the side. “Well that makes the outfit a double tragedy.  
Fjord elbowed his friend with a glare and turned back to Jester. “You look very nice, I hope you feel comfortable even though they aren’t as fine as the clothes you’re used to.”  
Jester grinned widely. “These are pretty good cause they have pockets. You could hide a lot of pastries in these!”  
“Well we’ll see what we can do to get you some soon.”  
“Yay! Thank you Fjord.” Jester’s smile turned into a beam of delight and without quite meaning to, Fjord slowly returned the radiant smile as he stared at the tiefling.  
Erik’s elbow in his ribs interrupted his revelry as he heard both Beau and his mother snickering to themselves.  
“Uh er, I’d better go see if dad needs me to get things moving. ‘Scuse me.”  
He hurriedly left the wagon and went to find his father. Desperately trying to ignore the smug staring of Erik as he followed.  
“Ah there you are son!” Torgan said as he spotted them. “Get on your horse! We’re ready to go, why are your ears so red?”  
Fjord mumbled “Nothin’!” as he lowered his head and hurried to Stormhoof, ignoring Erik’s chuckles as best he could.


	6. Tuskless Foreshadowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of a surprise chorus line after this chapter. 
> 
> Erik however will probably make it happen because bards and stuff. 
> 
> Also, don't drink and drive wagons kids. It causes exposition and plot points and no one wants that.

The two newcomers were quickly absorbed into the trader’s daily life.   
Jester was such a warm and friendly character that she was quickly added to the daily rotation of chores that the families shared.  
Because Beauregard was still of the mindset that she was Jester’s bodyguard, she followed her into every task and joined in with gusto.   
Except for the role of cooking which the pair tried once and were banned from after the incident with the pickle soaked doughnuts.   
Jester spent most of her spare time in the children’s wagon, teaching them games she remembered from her own childhood and entertaining them with simple displays of magic while Beau set up various displays of her martial arts skills.   
This drew the attention of various older members of the group until Beau had several assistants waiting in line to show off their skills against hers or just to test their nerve by holding a slab of wood in place for her to destroy.   
Fjord did his best to concentrate on his his role in keeping the caravan safe, but it was difficult when at every mealtime a lovely young woman excitedly told him how Beauregard had drop kicked the toughest fighter in the chest and how cute the children were and did he want kids someday?  
It became an almost nightly ritual to complain about his predicament to Erik. “She’s leaving to get married you know? She already has her whole life planned out.”  
“She has her future planned out.” Erik corrected. “She has to marry someone for the politics, not for the big L word. What’s stopping you keeping her company till then?”  
“Morals? The fact that her fiance could be huge and good with a sword? The fact that she might be really into this arrangement and would be offended at the thought of being with a tall green dude?”  
“Well she is a tiefling, they come in all colours you know and I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Plus what her fella to be doesn’t know won’t hurt you!”  
“Nah, s’better to just let her do her thing and not get attached. Then it’ll be no problem when she gets where she’s going.”  
After almost a week of this, Erik decided to intervene on behalf of his friend.   
“Guess who’s on guard duty today?” He asked the half-orc.   
“Well last I heard it was you and me but the way you’re saying that makes me very unsure about what you’re going to say next.”  
“You’re instincts are well honed my friend! Today’s guard duty is being covered by Kiri and Kaylie, they agreed to trade their original duties with us.”  
“Are you sure that’s wise? We both know we can match those girls in a fight.”  
“Yes but Kaylie’s spellwork has improved drastically since she learned Eyebite and Kiri is practically an expert with those daggers of hers.”  
Fjord sighed. “I just don’t know if I like letting those two go out untested.”  
“Not entirely untested, you remember when that band of poachers were mysteriously delivered to us hog tied and gagged?”  
“......No! You don’t mean…?”  
“I was with them in the tavern at Goldenfields and Kaylie got drunk and confessed. Well technically they both did, but Kiri mostly repeated whatever her friend was saying.”  
“Son of a troll, we assumed that had been mama all along!”  
“I know! This does explain why she let the mystery go on so long though. Anyway, shall we go?”  
“What duty were the girls set up for?”  
“Kids wagon.”  
“Aw come on! Seriously?”  
“Hells yeah seriously! Don’t pretend you wouldn’t love a chance to get to know our hot little guest a bit more. Lords know I’d like to know where Beau learned some of those moves. I mean I would consider turning monk for some of those high kicks.”  
“What do you need to learn high kicks for?”  
“Well what if I end up in a surprise chorus line and I need to prove myself?”  
“When has anyone ever been in a surprise chorus line?”  
“You’d be surprised!”

Oh no.

Oh no what?

You’re going to write that in aren’t you?

Write what in? Where? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

You are going to put a surprise chorus line somewhere in this story just to validate your little self insert bard character aren’t you?

I resent that remark! Erik is his own person and you know it!

I know your writing style and you just better not!

What if I do anyway? 

Poltroon so help me…

Alright alright, I promise you the characters will no longer discuss the surprise chorus line again. 

I feel as though you’ve gotten away with something.

If you can’t think what, it’s probably best not to let it worry you. Shall we continue?

Fjord shuffled towards the children’s wagon. Annoyed at the prospect of having to spend time with young ones notorious for their ability to get sticky in a clean room but also nervous at the prospect of being in such close quarters with the tiefling again.   
But he was a warrior! He was grown enough to know how to keep his feelings in check.  
The door fo the wagon opened and a laughing Jester emerged with a chuckling baby half elf on her hip. “Oh hi Fjord! Did you come to have fun with us today?”  
He was done for and he knew it.  
“Hey Jester! We’re on babysitting duty today!” Erik said with a chirpy smile and a slap on his friend’s shoulder.   
“Awesome!” Came Beau’s voice from behind Jester. “C’mere Erik I want to bench press some of these little nose miners.”  
“On my way!”   
Erik hopped neatly up into the wagon, patted Jester on the head, then turned to join the fun and games that only a gaggle of unsupervised children can provide.   
Fjord tried not to look up at Jester as he hauled himself up as well. She was back in her own dress now that it was mended and looking up at her as she bent down was giving Fjord unwelcome thoughts.   
He stood for a moment with his eyes closed, stretching to make it look innocent as he hurriedly thought about the most unsavoury images he could muster.   
When he felt a little more sure of himself, he opened his eyes to see Jester still there at his side and watching him curiously.   
“Are you feeling ok?” She asked.”I don’t mind doing the most of the heavy lifting if you feel tired. You’ve been working very hard keeping us safe.”  
“Uh no, thank you but I’m alright. I appreciate the gesture though.”  
“Of course! Would you like to join us for a game of ‘the farmer in the field’? It’s really good fun!”  
“Well sure I guess, I don’t need to do anything weird do I?”  
Jester laughed and took his hand, tugging him further into the wagon.  
It turned out to be a lot of weird miming and being surrounded by chanting children, which worried Fjord. It also involved pretending to be very small creatures with Jester, which meant snuggling up close to her, which he quite enjoyed.   
Then came the game of ‘siege weapons’.   
This apparently involved two lines of children as the enemy warriors. One set of warriors picked a member of the opposing army to attack the lines of waiting children. If they broke through then a win was declared for the hero’s side. If they didn’t get past the enemy however, they had to switch sides and enforce the enemy’s ‘castle walls’.  
Jester stood on one side of the wagon, holding hands with a halfling child on one side and a dragonborn clutching a cloth doll under her arm on the other.  
Fjord stood opposite her, Beau on one side of him and grateful for a chance at rough and tumble play while a little dwarf girl held his fingers in her tiny hand.   
“Who does the king call forth?” Roared Jester’s team.   
The king of Fjord’s team was a young half elf who had been picked by her compatriots to lead them to victory. “The king calls Jester over!” She squeaked.   
Immediately, the children on either side of the tiefling released her hands and watched as she squared her shoulders and eyed the other side.  
Her eyes met Fjord’s and she smiled.   
“Release the siege weapon!” The halfing shouted as Jester started to run straight towards Fjord.  
Immediately, Beau strengthened her grip on Fjord’s arm even as he loosened his on the dwarf girls. He could see Jester was going to try and knock him on his ass for comedic effect and he was all for letting her win, but his warrior side demanded he catch her and prevent the loss to his team.   
He squared up and grinned back as she accelerated.   
Beauregard realised what was about to happen and took her hand back to stifle laughter as she leaned away from the half orc target.  
Undeterred, Fjord widened his stance and held his hands up ready to throw her onto the floor of the wagon.  
He was completely unprepared for the ease with which she threw him over her shoulder, into the air, still posed ready for a tackle, and raced beneath his airborne body to slap the defender’s wall and yell ”A hit! A hit for King Basil’s court!”  
Fjord slammed into the floor with a loud thud as the wind was knocked out of him, the cheers and giggles of the surrounding children ringing in his ears.  
As his breath wheezed painfully out of his lungs, Jester appeared in Fjord’s eyeline. “Are you alright? I didn’t hurt you too much did I?” She seemed concerned despite the hint of a winning smile still tugging at the corner of her mouth.   
Fjord shakily lifted one of his fists and extended a quivering thumb. He would have tried smiling back at her if he didn’t feel like a wet sack that had been smashed against a rock.   
Jester smiled in relief like a sunbeam appearing from between storm clouds. He couldn’t look away if he’d wanted to.   
A sudden jolt made each of Fjord’s bones feel bruised again as Jester toppled over, lost her balance and landed with a thud on top of him. The small amount of breath he’d managed to regain spilling from his lungs once more with a pained gasp.  
Instinctively, his hands wrapped protectively around her.   
“What the hell was that?” Came Beau’s voice.  
“Itsa earth shake!” Came a child’s voice and immediately squeaks of terror erupted from the wagon’s inhabitants.   
“It’s not an earthquake!” Came Erik’s voice as he peered out of the door to look towards the head of the caravan. “It’s the road, there’s a load of wagons coming the other way, we might have to make room before we can advance.”  
“I know someone else who needs a room.” Beau grinned, squatting down to eye the crumpled form of Fjord, pressed beneath Jester.  
Fjord sat up sharply and set the tiefling back onto the wooden floor. “Sorry I, erm- I’d better go see what’s up.”  
Erik gave Fjord a look as he jumped out of the wagon with him. “Smooth mate. Maybe next time you have her in your arms you can ask if she has some kind of disease?”  
“Oh shut up!”  
The two wandered forward a little, keeping the children’s wagon in sight as they helped to move the rest of the caravan to the side, allowing the oncoming traffic enough space to pass.   
As the newcomers made their way down the road, Fjord couldn’t help but notice that they didn’t look like your average traveller. The groups seemed to be made up of families riding on or near carts filled to the brim with their life’s possessions.   
“Is it just me,” Erik asked. “Or do these look more like refugees than fans of the meat stews in Everlund?”  
“I think these look like people running from something and I can’t help but wonder what that might be. Stick close to me.”  
Fjord waited until he saw a lone traveller, an older man with a stick and a crotchety look on his face as he walked. He was allowing the carts to pass him by and held only a knapsack on his back where an empty wineskin hung on the side.  
Reaching for his belt, Fjord pulled out the flask he had attached to his waist. He’d promised his uncle a taste of the whiskey they’d collected from Goldenfields in exchange for a new dagger but this seemed a better time to use the gift.  
“‘Scuse me sir,” he called. “I can’t help but notice you seem to be a fan of fine liquids, could we persuade you to share a drink with us?”  
The man stopped and narrowed his eyes at them. “What kind of drink? I got places to be.”  
“Only the finest whiskey in Faerun.” Erik said with a wink. “Brewed in Goldenfields and drink of choice for the Abbot there. Why not try and sip then decide if you want to stay for the conversation too?”  
Fjord held the flask out invitingly. The man seemed unsure, but then he looked back at the long trail of his countrymen making their slow way past the caravan and reached out for a swig.   
Leaning his cane against the wheel of the closest wagon, he settled back and took a deep drink.   
“Aye that’s good stuff, what’re you all up to on the way to Yartar? Not much call for raggedy merchants and their families up there.”   
Fjord ignored the slight. “We’re traders, we’re hoping to do some business with the higher class of folks in the city. Although it looks as though half the city is on the road going the other way.”  
The man laughed harshly. “You’re not wrong there, Lord of the city has been getting a bit too big for his boots. Been throwing his weight around. A lot of his friends have been looking to expand their businesses and the locals are in the way of that. Lands been sold where houses have been standing for years and now the poor folk have been told that if they can’t afford to pay the landowners the rent they want to charge they have to leave the city. Homeless folks don’t make for good business these days.”  
“What do the lords hope to achieve with that? Who’s going to spend their gold in these big businesses if there’s no people living there?”  
“Word is Lord Drylund wants to turn all of Yartar into one big gambling city. If it’s not a hotel, a casino or a high end restaurant he doesn’t want it there. It’ll be a huge draw for folks rich enough to spend time there, but for the rest of us we’ll be lucky to be considered worthy to clean up after everyone’s done.”  
“Rich people ideas are wild.” Erik said with a grimace to Fjord.   
“You’re not wrong.” The man said, taking a final gulp of whiskey. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I don’t wanna give this lot the chance to lose me on the way. Rather try my chances in Everlund than in this bloody forest full of nasties.”  
The man grabbed his cane and started his journey again as the last few carts passed the head of the trader caravan.   
“You think this will end up having far reaching consequences we’re going to be forced to deal with?” Erik asked, puffing his feathers out.   
“Oh gods I hope not. It’s bad enough we’ve got to worry about strangers trying to kidnap the folks we’re letting hitch a ride with us. Add a big mystery to that mess and we have a headache I am not prepared to deal with.”  
“You know what’s a great cure for possible headaches? Sleeping with hot tieflings who are blatantly into you.”  
“Oh shut up!”   
“I’ll shut up when it stops making you give that goofy grin.”  
“I don’t have a goofy grin!”   
“When I mention Jester you do. You want to get under her skirts so bad!”  
“Now you’re just being crass. We need to get back in the wagon or we’ll get left behind.”  
Maybe I could ask Jester to stay behind with you.”  
“Knock it off!”   
“Just imagine making a little treehouse home with her, she could cook you pickle pastries every day!”   
“You keep talking and I’ll tell her you secretly loved them!”  
“Shutting up now.”


	7. Tuskless Ruse

The caravan continued on it’s slow but steady journey through the forest. Yartar drawing closer each day.   
Erik seemed determined to push Fjord into Jester’s trajectory at least once per day and Beau did very little to stop it happening.   
The half orc was certain that there was a conspiracy to get him laid.   
Mainly due to the amount of times Erik mentioned that he was going to get his friend into bed with ‘the hot tiefling lady’.  
He wouldn’t have minded so much if he thought he had a chance with her, but past experience prevented him from allowing his hopes to rise. .   
After a varied and rather hurtful foray into the world of romance, Fjord had learned that people could be very cruel and rarely went for guys who didn’t fit the traditional concept of handsome.   
That was when he started to file down his tusks.   
His mother had tried to reason with him, tell him that he was a lovely boy with or without his teeth and he shouldn’t be trying to change himself for others. Even his father weighed in with a little speech which was rousing but a little out of place (he had rambled into a story about fighting off an inn full of aasimar to win a glance from his wife to be).   
Still, he worked and filed away until the jutting tusks were lowered to small nubs in his mouth.   
It made eating dinner hard for a while but his natural metabolism making the filing a monthly routine as they continuously tried to regrow.   
He didn’t see how Jester could possibly think any differently than the cruel creatures of his past, especially when she was already so beautiful and beloved.   
He did his best to put thoughts of her out of his mind, until Beau casually mentioned that they would be arriving in Yartar in the next couple of days.   
Erik immediately started planning something he outright refused to explain to Fjord. He watched the bard wandering about for the majority of the day but didn’t have a clue what he was up to until evening fell.   
“All wagons halt!” Torgan’s voice rang out over the trader’s heads. “We’ll make camp here for the night.”  
Fjord leapt off of Stormhoof and handed him over to his uncle, the designated hostler for the day.   
Almost immediately, a feathery arm flung itself over his shoulders. “Who’s up for a guy’s night in wagon potato?”  
“You know it’s called wagon 18.”  
“Not after The Night! Now it’s the party place and it needs an appropriate name.”  
Fjord sighed. “Alright, so what are your plans if we’re going full potato night?”  
“Well I did have a few ideas, but nothing’s exactly finalised so how about you get your casual clothes on and we can have an awesome guy’s night?”  
“How is it both casual and awesome?”  
“Because I am the bird king of bard like debauchery and I also have class coming out of my cloaca.”  
“I both adore and hate you.”  
“Story of my life darling. Now you just get yourself ready for the night and I’ll meet you in a bit.”  
Erik raced away before Fjord could utter any more objections.   
Shrugging, the half orc wandered back to his family’s wagon to put his armour away and gather the odd bottle of alcohol he kept stashed in his bedroll for just this type of occasion.   
After saying goodnight to everyone else, Fjord rattled open the potato wagon.  
It was actually a smaller wagon that housed whatever unusual or fragile items the traders were shipping. The potatoes in question had been a number of tubers carved into the likenesses of several gods and goddesses.   
Torgan had been reluctant to take them but their creator had insisted they be given as a gift with the fabrics they'd originally sold.   
“People will love these!” The intense halfling had told them, hands rubbing excitedly together. “All they need is to see the light of day and followers will flock to me! Everyone will understand the holy power that a good bit of starch can provide!”  
The caravan hadn't even left the city before a rat made off with the Raven Queen, Bahamut and another tiny statue that may have been a cloaked figure or else may have been a fat duck. It was very hard to tell.   
Fjord and Erik had gone in to check over the merchandise and upon realising that not only were the ‘precious sculptures’ ruined but that Torgan was less than upset about that fact, the pair had concocted a scheme to throw a farewell party for the sculptures.   
As it was a party organised by (at the time) sixteen year old boys, it had quickly turned into a night of drinking, the most carbohydrate themed puppet show to grace faerun and a fair amount of bad decisions that were only half regretted the next morning.  
Ever since that night, Erik had insisted in calling it Wagon Potato, it also became synonymous with having some alone time.  
Tonight Fjord was hoping it would be a night full of drinking and forgetting about any tieflings in the nearby vicinity for the first night since the girls had joined them.  
A rattling as the wagon door opened interrupted Fjord’s redecorating. He was trying to pile some vases into one corner so they wouldn’t rollover and hit anything while they enjoyed themselves.   
“D’you wanna give me a hand here? This one’s kind of heavy.” He grunted without looking.   
A moment later, two soft hands brushed against his as Jester took on some of the weight of the antique.   
“Where should I put it?”  
Fjord made a sound that he would have described as a yelp of surprise, but anyone hearing it would have called a squeak.  
He pulled his hands back and closed his eyes waiting for the smash of the vase.   
When it didn’t come he opened his eyes again and saw Jester walking it easily to a corner, slung over one shoulder and placed it gently on a bed of straw.   
“Will it be alright here?”  
“Um…. yes? How did you… wait what are you doing here? I was waiting for Erik.”  
“Beau told me that we were going to have a girl’s night and that this was the perfect wagon to make a fort in.”  
“Wait, they both told us to come here, that means-” Fjord’s head whipped round to the door where two grinning faces popped up.   
“Sorry buddy,” Erik chuckled as he grabbed the sliding door. “But you two are gonna have to stay in there till you’re good and laid!”  
“What he said.” Beau added, helping him close the door on their friends. “You two have been moping after each other enough, this is your free pass, enjoy!”  
Fjord growled and raced for the door, but only succeeded in slamming his shoulder into it while Erik and Beau slid the lock into place.   
“I hope you realise this is technically kidnapping and dad said there was to be no more illegal activity this year!”  
“Yeah I’ll bring him flowers tomorrow, for now you go get those messy emotions out via your genitals!”   
Beau’s amused laughter faded as she and Erik wandered away from Wagon Potato.   
Fjord sighed with a growl and let his forehead thud against the door. He heard a shuffling noise behind him and then Jester was by his side.  
“Did they really lock us in?”  
“Yeah…. I'm sorry you're getting messed around too. Erik gets dumb ideas in his head sometimes and it looks as though he's managed to rope Beau into this particular prank.”  
Fjord angrily slammed a fist into the wood of the door to punctuate his sentence.  
“Oh, I thought they were trying to do something nice for us.”   
“Nice?” Fjord turned to look at Jester.   
She was leaning on one hip with her head cocked a little to one side, watching him as her fingers played with a lock of her hair.   
“Yes, I think they thought it would be nice for us to have some time together alone. Does it not seem that way for you?”  
Fjord eyed hera little suspiciously. She was a blue ball of mischief most of the time since she’d joined the traders, but she had also shown an immense capacity for kindness.   
There was still that nagging doubt that told him she couldn’t be interested in him.   
“Look," he said, holding up his hands. “You don’t have to play along with whatever prank they’re looking to pull here. I’m sure they’ll let us out in the morning and till then I promise you’ll be safe in here.”  
“Oh I know, I always feel safe when I’m with you Fjord.” Jester smiled and her eyes sparkled as she looked up at him.   
The half orc blinked at her before turning his head away. “I’ll just make a hay bed over in that corner and you can sleep in peace tonight. You don’t have to worry about me trying anything.”  
He turned away and started to undo a bale of hay that had been used to steady the larger vases.  
The rustling behind him came quite close this time. “You don’t want to sleep with me?”  
The question made Fjord flinch and spin round, coming face to face with Jester in very close quarters.   
“Um…..what?” He stammered.   
“I really like you Fjord,” she said softly. “You’re a very nice guy and you’re really very handsome.”  
“Uh… I…. well-thank you… I guess… I mean you’re handsome too! I mean pretty, um beautiful.”  
“So you do find me attractive?”  
“Well…. I mean… you’re going to Yartar to be married. You’re already someone’s fiance so… don’t you think you should, um. Wait? To do…..that?”  
Jester crossed her arms and pouted a little, which did nothing to slow the hormones already racing through Fjord’s body.  
“I’m only getting married as a dumb political alliance, even the ambassadors who arranged it all with mother said I wouldn’t be obligated to give the guy any babies or anything. She said it would be a good idea to find somebody along the way to have some fun with because it might be awhile before I can find a decent arrangement without making my new husband look bad.”  
Fjord felt a tinge of disappointment.   
“So you’re looking for one last fling?”  
“Oh no! I mean yes, but not in the way you might think. This is the last time I can be with whoever I want without worrying who might see or if they’ll try to cause problems.”  
“And you picked me of all people?”  
“Yes! Why not? You’re very sweet and you’re handsome and you look like you have a good body and I would like to have a connection with you before we have to leave each other’s company possibly forever.”  
“Well….shucks.” Fjord didn’t quite know what to do with that wave of compliments.   
“This is my last day as a free woman. Won’t you help me celebrate it?”  
Her hand was reaching out and gently touching his chest. Her thumb traced intricate shapes against his tunic and made his blood pulse in his ears like war drums.   
“Well…. he gulped as her hand moved. “When you put it like that…”  
She stepped a little closer.   
He decided not to resist this time.


	8. Tuskless Liaison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who wants porn?

Jester took a final step to be within Fjord’s orbit. Tilting her head up, she pushed her head up and forwards to offer a kiss.   
Not wishing to refuse her, Fjord pushed his own mouth towards hers. He wondered at how eager she was to do this, old nagging doubts surfacing again last minute, but then they melted away as his lips brushed against hers and set off fireworks in his mind.   
He breathed in a little as his blood started to thud through his veins. Jester took the opportunity to open her mouth and press her lips to his once again, tasting him as she let the hand on his chest stroke its way up to his neck.  
Realising his hands had lain themselves on her waist, he let them slide gently upwards so he could cup her cheek with one hand while the other tugged her shoulder a little closer. She needed to come closer, that was certain.   
Jester let one hand stay on Fjord’s neck, fingers working their way through his hair as her other hand made its way down and settled firmly on his backside.  
Fjord jumped a little in surprise and Jester smiled around his kisses. Using the hand on his derriere, she pulled him towards her until he was pressing firmly against her. She could feel his muscular torso and a swelling starting to arise in his breeches.   
Yet still his hands remained in their chaste position and the kissing, while pleasant, was not as urgent as Jester’s own desire were becoming.   
A thought arose in her mind and she fought the urge to grin.   
Pressing him closer again, she took a step backwards. He followed.   
She took another, he followed again.   
With her tail, she stroked the wall behind her to test the distance. It was definitely close enough.   
Taking another breath, Jester broke the kiss and suddenly leapt upwards into Fjord’s arms and grinned as he caught her under her ass, her legs wrapping firmly around his waist as she leaned back, letting the wall take some of her weight so she could grin at him from her elevated position.   
Fjord blinked at her in wide eyed and very aroused surprise. “This is a little new to me.” He burbled.   
Jester couldn’t help but giggle. “And we’ve only just started darling.”  
Leaning forward, she let her hair brush his cheeks as she first landed a butterfly soft kiss on his mouth, then nipped his lower lip with a gentle tug.  
The urgency was building in Fjord’s body and his partner’s boldness was very encouraging.   
He moved forward to press her against the wall of the wagon and freed a hand to stroke up her thigh. He felt the silks of her clothes and brushed them aside as he explored his way up to her underwear before pausing.   
“What exactly are you waiting for?” Jester huskily murmured.   
“Just wanted to make sure you were sure.” He growled back.   
“Fjord if you don’t hurry up I’ll let you know by ripping those clothes off your body.”  
Fjord blinked in surprise, then couldn’t help but let out a hearty laugh. Jester giggled in response, hugging her arms around his neck a little tighter.   
They both sighed to a stop at the same time and gazed into each other’s eyes for a moment before returning to a series of steamy kisses.   
Fjord’s hand found Jester’s underwear and gently started to pull it free from her body, shifting the fabric aside for easier access to her skin.   
Jester moaned a little as his fingers grazed soft flesh. He let his fingers slide from the lowest part of her body and just let them flicker upwards once before taking his hand up and out of her underwear entirely. As his hand moved upward toward her breasts, Jester gave an appropriately desperate sound of disappointment. “You're not the only one capable of teasing.” Fjord chuckled.  
Pouting a little, she quickly went back to kissing him as he pressed his palm against her belly and slid it up inside of her bodice to snake up towards her breasts.   
Jester hummed appreciatively into his mouth and pressed a little closer against his palm. He gently squeezed her flesh, letting his fingers ripple against her body and brushing his fingers against her nipple as she gasped in appreciation.  
He shifted his other hand until his palm supported her butt yet still allowing his fingers to travel over the space they could reach between her legs.   
Jester let her claws dig into the fabric of his shirt, scratching harder as his movements excited her more and more.  
She broke off the kiss to hiss as Fjord hit a couple of sweet spots at the same time. She threw her head back against the wall and moaned as he kissed and nipped at her neck. “GODS Fjord just take me already!”  
“Can’t say no to a lady.” He mumbled from his current position. Lowering her gently, he kept one hand under her skirts and lifted the whole garment over her head.  
Jester raised her arms tugged loose the odd string tie here and there to allow everything to slip off as easily as possible. She had only been wearing panties tonight and praised the decision as Fjord eyed her hungrily.  
She slipped her hands under the fabric against her hips to slide the last of her clothes off before Fjord’s hand stopped her.  
“Allow me.” He all but growled.   
“What a gentleman!” Jester preened, leaning back a little to give him access.  
The half orc in front of her knelt gently down onto his knees like he was about to start praying and offering sacrifices to her.  
He reached up with both hands until they rested on her hips, yet he didn’t pull anything down.  
Instead he leaned forward and laid a sweet, soft kiss on her waist. Just above her underwear.   
Jester felt herself melt inside at the act, then she just wanted to melt as Fjord teased away a tiny part of the cloth to give a slighter more wanting kiss to the place just above where she really wanted his mouth to be.   
An inch at a time, he lowered the cloth from her body. Kissing each part of her as he went, always with a deep longing and dancing here and there but never quite touching the part of her that was practically begging for attention.  
By the time she realised her hands were tangled in his hair, allbut pulling some out, he had fully disrobed her and was standing up again to view her body in all its glory.  
His own body was making it very clear he liked what he saw.   
He started to step forward but she held out a hand and demurely turned away a little, letting her tail hide the place between her legs.   
“Ah ah ah! I won’t be the only one naked in this wagon of potatoes thank you very much.” She said, wagging her finger for emphasis.   
Fjord looked blankly at her for a moment. “Whu…? OH!”   
As if he was in a race, he grabbed at a boot, nearly fell over, then frantically untied them both before kicking them off towards a bare wall. His breeches were undone next and he seemed to remember he was wearing a shirt at the same time as he abandoned his pants to yank his shirt over his head, entangling his head as he blundered to one side and bounced off another wall. Jester giggled again as Fjord gave a muffled “Sorry!” and finally managed to free his now tousled head with a pop.   
“Glad you’re enjoying this part too.” He grinned, bending over to pull his breeches and underwear down in one go, stepping neatly out of them.  
Jester clapped her hands and Fjord bowed gracefully.   
They grinned at each other for a moment until Fjord could wait no longer. “C’mere.” He said softly.   
Jester stepped forward and slipped her arms around his neck. Their bare skin pressing gently against each other. Fjord returned his mouth to hers, enjoying the warmth from her body.  
“Lie down for me.” Jester breathed after a few moments of this. Fjord pulled her towards the bedrolls he’d started to set up earlier and laid as comfortably as he could on one, pulling her after him as gently but as firmly as he could.   
Jester took a moment to just lean over and run her fingers over his broad chest and tight stomach. Feeling the movement as he breathed.  
He did his best to return the gesture but being in the floor he could only brush up and down her arms. When she brought her face close enough he stroked at her cheeks and let his thumb brush against her lips wonderingly.  
“Do you still want to?” She asked him in a husky tone.  
“Very much so.” He replied.  
Jester smiled at him once more then stepped over so that a foot was on either side of his body. Then she carefully knelt and hovered above his erect penis for a moment, breathing in time with him.   
Fjord’s hands found her waist and held on tightly. He had to fight the urge to push her down further.  
After what felt like an agonising eternity, she lowered herself down gently, exhaling as he filled her completely.   
Almost immediately the half orc felt like fireworks were being shot from behind his eyes. She felt amazing in a tight grip around him, slick as hot butter and keen to move against him.  
She let her hands grip his shoulders, almost holding him down while her hips started a gentle rocking movement that pushed him in and out of her slowly, letting her grind against his torso.   
Her breathing was heavier now but she still spoke a little. “Oh Fjord,” she whispered. “You feel so good...”  
He could feel the urgency growing as she rocked harder against him, occasionally letting her hips swivel from side to side as she moved.  
“Gods-damn,” he snarled back. “You're great at this, I don't know how long I can last if you keep that up.”  
“Oh please my darling, just a little longer ok?” She rested her hands on his legs as she pushed herself back and forth, letting her head tip back as she moaned low in her throat.  
Fjord realised that she was doing all the work here and he moved one hand from her waist to the centre of her, where he found what he was looking for and let his rough thumb graze against her firmly.  
An electric shock of pleasure shot through Jester and she jerked in surprise, squeezing him even tighter for a moment. “Yes Fjord, please do that again?“ She begged.  
He didn't need telling twice.  
Taking hold of her legs he pulled them forward so that she was sitting in his lap, facing him. Then he rose up into a sitting position himself, using his legs to help support her while one hand disappeared between their stomachs again and the other gripped her behind the shoulder, tugging her as close as possible.  
Jester let her arms drape over Fjord’s shoulders a he teased her and the rocking motion began again. Her breathing was coming harder now, little pants leaving her lips as she bit her lip in joy. Her body tightened around Fjord, relaxed, then tightened again. Quicker and quicker each time.   
“Yes Fjord please.” She gasped and he knew she was close.  
Moving his hips as best he could he tried to match her thrusts as his mouth closed over her neck, planting kisses and tender nips over the flesh until he felt her whole body stiffen and he bit down.  
Jester cried out as he applied the sudden pressure and clung to him like she was drowning.  
Waves of pleasure poured over the pair of them as they came together in a white hot moment of perfection.   
Fjord jerked his hips a few times to try and draw out every last drop of enjoyment from the moment, Jester melting in his grip.  
Eventually, he felt his panting body calming and he released his tight grip on the tiefling. She pulled herself up a little and released her lover before rolling onto her side, one leg trailing over Fjord’s body as she lay down next to him, naked, messy and very satisfied.   
The half orc turned onto his side and lay before her, watching her with an awed expression as he stroked her arm.  
“Was I-” He swallowed. “Was it ok for you?”  
Jester blinked, then giggled into the straw beneath them. Then she leaned close and kissed him on the lips.   
“Darling,” She said. “It was wonderful.”

 

 

You soppy little so and so.

What?

Did you really think I wouldn't notice?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

So the fact that these two had an almost play by play night just like our first time is a complete coincidence?

Hey, somewhere out there is a young couple that needs to know some good moves. I'm just helping them along with what I know works.

You know it works do you?

Got me the love of my life didn't it? Couldn't imagine a life without my husband now.

You soft old thing!

And a very happy man I am too!

Shame what these two are going to have to go through over the next few chapters.

Yes, well. They're only characters. But for now we can let them sleep. Pick it up again tomorrow?

Definitely. Do you know I'm quite fond of this story already.


	9. Tuskless afterglow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang have arrived! Yatar awaits and with it the end of Jester and Fjord. No way they'll be together after this.   
> I haven't made plans.   
> There isn't a hefty storm featuring more characters to come.   
> They barely even like each other.   
> I'm a great liar.

The sound of birdsong filtered through the walls of the wagon as Fjord came to with a gentle groan. Raising his hand, he scrubbed at his eyes and looked down at the pressure on his other arm.   
Lying there, curled up against him, was Jester. Long lashed eyes closed as she breathed gently against his skin.   
Taking a moment, he watched her side as it rose and fell. The swell of her lips as her mouth hung open ever so slightly.   
He wondered if there was any way he could free his arm, pee, then return without waking her.   
Apart from his full bladder he had never felt so comfortable in his life, he knew they’d both been satisfied last night. More than once in fact.   
She had used tricks he didn’t even realise existed and he’d a few eye opening moments. At some point he was pretty sure he’d seen a god of some kind.   
The sound of someone standing nearby and relieving themselves reminded Fjord of his own needs.   
Turning his body as gently as possible, he turned to face the tiefling. He was struck again by how beautiful she was up close.  
He put a hand on her shoulder and tried to push her softly backward. As he applied pressure, she stirred a little and snuggled up against him a little closer.   
It was adorable and thoroughly unhelpful.   
Fjord decided to try a different tactic.   
He wrapped his arms around Jester’s body as best he could, clutching her against himself in a way that made her sigh happily.   
Using his legs to push the two of them, he rolled the two of them over. Jester’s prone form pressed down on his trapped arm and he started to wriggle it free from underneath her.   
She shifted in her sleep and sighed, letting her hands settle on either side of her face as she turned it away from him.   
Fjord started to roll her away, tugging on his arm as he did so.   
Jester began to move, then took a notion to turn the other way and in a rolling attempt to get comfortable, ended up lying completely on top of Fjord with her breasts covering his face.   
Normally this would be a wonderful situation, but her chest was covering his face in such a way that he couldn’t breathe.   
He wriggled to try and free himself but Jester sleepily wrapped her arms closer around him. Giving up, he slapped a hand against her shoulder until she blearily woke.   
“Hmmm…. What? Oh you wanted to go again?”  
“Mmmrrrrrr!”  
“Wait what?” Jester leaned back, lifting her chest free of Fjord’s face.  
“Air!” He gasped again.  
“Oh gosh I’m so sorry! Are you ok?”  
Fjord took a few deep breaths and gave her a thumbs up.   
“Sorry darling, I tend to cuddle when I sleep.” Jester explained, freeing herself and standing up so she could look around for her scattered clothes.  
“I’m all for cuddling,” he replied. “I just like to be able to survive the event afterwards.” As the tiefling giggled, Fjord thought to himself that it wouldn’t be the worst way to go.  
By the time the two of them had finished lacing and buttoning up their various items of clothing, Erik and Beau were unlocking the door of Potato Wagon.   
“Gangway, bathroom emergency!” Fjord yelled as he leapt down and raced for the treeline.   
“Sooooooo,”Erik asked, leaning against the wagon’s open doorway. “How was it?”  
Jester stepped to the edge of the door and sat on the footplate, letting her feet dangle in the open space just above the grass. “I thought ladies weren’t supposed to kiss and tell?” She asked nonchalantly.  
“That might be true,” Beau replied, hopping up to sit next to her. “But we’re not asking you to kiss and tell, we’ve been asking you to screw Fjord and yell about it.”  
“Well in that case, IT WAS AWESOME!” Jester squealed, not quite yelling but still loud enough to cause a flock of sleepy birds to take sudden flight nearby.  
“You’re welcome, I taught that boy everything he knows.” Erik said with a grin. “By which I mean all the fun stuff that’s probably illegal.”  
Jester giggled again. “Oh it wasn’t just fun, he’s so nice and such a sweetheart. I haven’t had such a nice time for months!”  
“Told you we’d find you a good one for your last fling!” Beau said, punching Jester lightly on the shoulder.   
“I’m really glad we found you guys. I was so worried I’d have to be with some dried up old lord for the rest of my life and the last guy I was with was so disappointing. If he had been the last person I ever got to sleep with before having to act all loyal I would have set something on fire I swear!”  
“It wouldn’t be the first time she’d done something like that.” Beau confided.   
“But Fjord was so kind and sweet I can be happy from the memory of last night for a long time now.”  
“If you don’t mind me asking,” Erik interjected as Fjord came back, tugging his breeches into a more comfortable position. “How come you’re so accepting of this political marriage if you don’t even want to be with the lord in question?”  
“Well, it’s a little unusual I agree, but it’s to help my mother. Have you ever heard of the Ruby of the Sea?”  
“Dad said he saw her palanquin from afar once.” Fjord said. “Said he’d never seen a woman so beautiful in his life before meeting my mother. She wouldn't talk to him for like a month after that.”  
“Well she is beautiful that’s true, she’s also a really famous and awesome courtesan. She has slept with soooo many guys and made so much money that we’re practically royalty back home in the Menagerie Coast.”  
“You came all the way from there? That must have been one hell of a journey!”  
“I know! Beau and I nearly got a private boat all the way to Faerun but at the last minute we saw a cruise ship that looked like people were having way more fun on board so we joined them.”  
“It was pretty cool,” Beau admitted. “But I don’t think we had ten seconds to ourselves the whole time. it was a wild ride.”  
“It really was, but we started the whole journey because mother really wants to do some real good work in the world. The thing is she’s famous but she doesn’t have a lot of real power unless she gets married to someone who does have a lot of power and she shares it with them. So she sat down with me about three weeks ago and said that if I got married to someone for her then she could still be able to do some cool things for our country but would also be able to keep working. Because you know when people get married they always seem to want to only sleep with each other and if one of them is sleeping with lots of other people for money a lot of the time really obviously then it tends to be a little bit upsetting.”  
“Yeah we get that…. so you decided to do this as a favour for your mom?” Erik asked.  
“Well kind of. I told her that I wanted to be able to marry someone I really love someday and not have to be stuck with someone who thinks of me as just a useful thing to have around like a nick nack or an ornament and she said ‘well ok we’ll find you someone old who probably will die soon enough and you might have to make sure you have a baby with them but as soon as they’re dead you can remarry who you like’ and honestly that was a pretty good plan because then I’m making someone happy, I get to be a mommy and then I get to marry who I like afterwards.”  
Erik and Fjord shared a look of incredulousness at the way she so cheerily described the plan.   
“Well...I mean…” Fjord began, then he saw the look on Jester’s face. The hopeful yet ever so slightly wavering look her eyes sent him.   
“I’m sure your mother knows what she’s doing.” He settled on. “She clearly cares about you deeply.”  
The tiefling’s face relaxed and she smiled at him warmly.  
“Well so long as you had a good time hanging out with us.” Erik said, cutting through the awkward moment. “I like to think that we provided a great deal of fun and or games for you ladies.”  
“You sure did!” Beau agreed. “I’ve never seen Jester flip a half orc before but it’s an image I’m going to remember the rest of my life!”  
The four of them burst into laughter at the memory of Fjord’s. Then talk quickly turned to other moments the four of them had spent either together or separately during the journey.   
The talk continued through breakfast and well into the day’s journey.   
Their voices only began to fade into silence as the high walls of Yartar started to appear through the trees ahead of them.  
Fjord felt his heart drop down into his stomach and turn into a hard, heavy substance.   
“Welcome to your new domain kiddo.” Beau said. Jester raised her chin and looked over the walls, saying nothing.   
“Best make your way with me lass.” Torgan said, walking up to the four younger travellers. “We’ll need to be sure not to be separated if your new fella tries to welch on the contract.”  
“Oh of course, I’m sure he’ll be really grateful to you.” Jester said in a much cheerier tone than she’d had before. “He’ll be so happy to see me safe and sound that I bet he gives you a big hug as well as a ton of money.”  
Torgan burst into laughter. “Stranger things have happened I’m sure. Come along then young ones.”  
He pushed Jester and Beau forward with a firm yet gentle shove and cocked his head towards Erik. As the three started towards the main gate, Torgan laid a hand on his son’s shoulder.   
“You know she isn’t for us to keep?”  
Fjord shifted uncomfortably. ”I know dad, I didn’t…. I never thought of her like that. She was coming here to get married to someone else, so she was a… fun new friend. But nothing else.”  
Torgan looked sceptical.  
“She was! And nothing more! Seriously dad I’m fine, I’ll be fine. It’s not a problem.”  
“Good to hear son. We don’t want to have any issues following us down the road. We travel light, trade fast and don’t get attached to what we can’t take with us.”  
“I know dad.” Fjord sighed.   
“Then there’s no problem seeing the girl to her shiny new life.”  
Torgan patted his son’s shoulder before continuing after the others.   
All the way through the guard searches and the ‘interviews’ with the guards, Fjord tried his best to make it clear that yes he was just a trader. He was with the caravan parked outside, no he wasn’t related to the tiefling and the human they were colleagues coming to Yartar as travelling companions only.  
It felt like all of two minutes before they were through the gates and his father was leading the way to the Water Baron’s castle.   
Jester walked next to Fjord for most of the way. Even though they both chattered and laughed with Beau and Erik they were also careful not to look too closely at each other and not once did their hands come quite close enough to touch.


	10. Tuskless Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang have arrived in Yartar! Well that was a nice story wasn't it? Now jesters gonna be married and all happy and there'll be no hi jinks involving skunks or rogues or longing glances and carrying young maidens places....
> 
> I'm not fooling anyone am I?

Jester peered around at her new home as the five of them walked along the busy streets.   
Yartar was a large city with a wide river running through it. Narrowboats and barges lined the waterway with here and there a larger boat almost the size of a mansion floating serenely by as they made their way to the castle.  
Fjord took note of the people passing around them and realised that the man they’d spoken to the other day hadn't exaggerated. Although there was a normal amount of taverns and shops one would expect in this size of city, there was a distinct lack of customers.   
He spotted people in uniform from one place or another, a few folks in servant’s garb and the odd adventurer crowing about some victory. Yet that was it.  
No mothers buying food for their families, no market sellers calling their wares. It was a strange sensation.   
He stepped up his walking speed until he was next to his father. “Are we going to be able to sell here? There doesn’t seem to be much of an audience.”  
“It’ll be fine son, your mother will work her magic between the biggest buyers and drive up the price till they both think they have to take the entire stock off our hands as quickly as possible or miss out on a blessing from the god of their choice. I’m not worried about her side of things and you shouldn’t be either. Just worry about where you want to stay tonight, we’ll restock on supplies while we’re here and be gone by tomorrow. You and Erik can lead the way for any drinking forays you boys want to go on. Just make sure you let me know which inn you’re at and if it’s a little far from the main gates be sure to book a room for yourselves BEFORE you start. I don't want to find you two being accosted by thieves again.”  
“We’ve only been in that situation once and we let them keep their shirts on.”  
“Yes but you stole their underwear as trophies. We still haven’t gotten rid of that smell. Just behave, no matter what happens while we’re-” Torgan looked up. “Well, here.”  
The looming shape of the Water Baron’s castle overshadowed the buildings around it. Like a vulture perched over a carcass.   
“We’re here!” Jester trilled, holding her arms out wide as if presenting her new home to the others.   
“You got that list of demands chief?” Beau asked Torgan, who responded by holding up the rolled up contract.   
“Well then, let’s go check out your new fairytale kingdom.” She said, draping an arm around Jester’s shoulders as she smiled down at the tiefling.   
A pair of guards stood at the stone entry way of the castle, wiedling a pair of halberds. They saw the odd group approaching and immediately crossed their weapons, barring the way.  
“Lord Drylund is not accepting solicitations of any kind.” Barked a dark haired, grizzled looking human. “Be on your way immediately.”  
“We’re not here to solicitate, I’m here to be Lord Drylund’s new wife, which means I am technically your boss, which means don’t be mean to my friends.” Jester set her fists onto her hips with a determined air while Beau snickered behind her.  
The guard eyed her coldly as the monk withdrew a paper from her money pouch and handed it over. “This should tell you what you need to know man. But if I were you I’d take the advice. Don’t push her.”  
Beau crossed her arms and smirked next to her friend as she watched the guard open the sealed note and scan through the words. As he reached the end, his eyes flickered up to look at the two women, eyed the three behind them and then passed the letter over for the other guard to look over.   
After a nod, the first guard let his weapon hang loose in his grip. “If you ladies will please follow me.”’ He said. “Your servants will need to wait out here till we can be sure of your credentials, then our lord will decide where you may go.”  
“Excuse you!” Jester all but snarled. “These kind people have ensured that Lord Drylund’s wife to be has been delivered safely to his door. I think the least he could do is entertain the thought of thanking them in person don't you?”  
Fjord couldn't help but be impressed by Jester’s sudden command of the situation. The guards eyed each other, then looked over at Torgan and his biceps that flexed underneath his shirt sleeves and suddenly seemed to agree that there was no harm in letting them in.  
“Follow me please, all of you.” The grizzled human growled before turning on his heel and walking towards the front door.  
He tugged on a small cord that disappeared inside the house near the top of the door. After a moment or two, an elderly half elf peered out at the group over a pair of half moon glasses perched on the end of a slightly beaky nose.   
“Hmmmmmyes? May I hmmmm help you?”  
“It's the young lady from the menagerie coast, here to see his lordship. Says she's only just arrived.”  
“Oh? I wasn't aware we were expecting anyone today.” He squinted at Fjord. “Quite a sturdy young thing isn't she?”  
Erik and Jester snorted into their hands as Beau coughed and pulled the half elf’s chin towards Jester.   
“Here's the lady in question buddy.”  
“Oh! Oh I see! Yes much better. Very pretty indeed. Well then I hmm I suppose you must come in. Come in here and just ehm, take a seat. Oh you are a big fellow aren't you? Perhaps you could stand for now, the only thing we have to fit a fellow of your stature is hmm is a chaise longue, it's somewhere around here I'm sure.”  
“Thank you I'll be fine standing.” Torgan agreed. Beau and Jester settled on a wooden bench near the door while Erik and Fjord copied Torgan and stayed standing.   
Even though the human guard watched them with narrowed eyes, Erik still felt the need to closely inspect every item that wasn't nailed down.   
As the bard poked his entire beak into a vase of flowers, a door at the top of a wide staircase opened.   
A portly man with hair that was suspiciously dark and reminiscent of a horse's mane, which had perched itself unnaturally high upon his forehead appeared like a vision of toxic masculinity. His bushy grey eyebrows and a well shaven set of chins preceded him as he walked towards the steps and spread his arms with a smirk.   
“Welcome to my humble home, I hear my bride has arrived?”  
As the newcomer started to descend, Beau and Jester stood while Fjord and Torgan stood at loose attention to one side. Swiftly joined by Erik after he pried the vase free from his beak.  
“Ahhh you must be my new lady of the manor, a pleasure my dear.” Coming close enough to take her arm, Lord Drylund kissed the back of Jester’s hand and made absolutely no effort to be subtle as his eyes scanned up and down her body.   
“And this…. Fine young lady would be…?” He asked, turning to Beau.  
“This is Beauregard, she’s been my escort the whole way from home and kept me from getting killed the entire time.”  
“Charmed.” Beau said, offering her hand to shake. Lord Drylund let his fingertips grasp her own and wiggled them before dropping contact as quickly as possible. “A pleasure I’m sure, but you are aware my dear that you will have NEW servants while here. I’m sure your chaperone need not wait around to get back home.”  
“My home’s with Jester. I’m here to be her lady in waiting. I’m waiting to beat people who try and hurt her. Sir.”  
“Admirable I’m...sure. Well, I'm sure my own trained servants will find some use for you. And who are these….” He stopped as he caught sight of the orc, half orc and aarakocra standing to one side. “...people?”  
“Oh this is Mr Torgan, he runs the caravan where all the lovely people took care of me while we were coming here. This is his son Fjord and his friend Erik and they all three saved me from bandits at one point! It was really scary but they were so brave and kind about it all.”   
“I bet they were.” Lord Drylund said. His mouth still smiled but his eyes narrowed as he looked Fjord over. His gaze lingered over the younger man's mouth and muscular arms.  
“So they let your kind run around freely now do they?” He asked after a moment. “What a thoroughly progressive world we live in.” The man chuckled at his own comment. No one joined in.   
“I was sure you wouldn't be ungrateful for their help in getting your bride safely home to you.” Beau interjected. “So I took the liberty of drawing up a contract with Torgan to ensure he would be able to get fair recompense for taking care of us and all.”  
Torgan once again held up the neat scroll and offered it to Lord Drylund with a deep, growling “By your leave….sir.”   
Lord Drylund looked at it for a moment before delicately taking the paper from the orc’s hand. He clicked his fingers in the air and immediately a young pageboy appeared out of nowhere and placed a letter in front of his master, where the paper was spread out.  
“Hmm yes I see, this isn't bad for a first timers efforts I suppose. Shall we go over the details Mr…. Torking was it?”   
“Torgan is the name my parents gave me sir. That and a shrewd eye for business.” He grinned down at the smaller human, letting his own tusks peek through his lips.   
Lord Drylund eyed the display with a certain amount of disdain and just enough fear to make him consider his next words carefully.  
“Perhaps… we might go over the terms and ensure they please both of us while your companions and my fiance take a tour of the castle?”  
“Would you prefer that?” Torgan asked, turning towards his son.   
Jester clapped her hands together. “Oooh yes! You guys can tell me if the curtains look nice or what bedsheets I should get!”  
“Sure.” The lord said with an indulgent smile before turning his head sharply. “Balthazar!”  
At the sudden raised voice, the elderly half elf wobbled forward and bowed to the room at large. When he managed to straighten up again, he called everyone over for ‘the tour’.   
While Torgan and Lord Drylund stepped closer to the lectern, the group followed the old fellow up the wide staircase.  
Ten minutes later, they reached the top of the staircase and were reassured that no, Balthazar wasn’t having a heart attack and he did this sort of thing all the time.   
The half elf took them through long hallways lined with portraits of past Water Barons (half of whom he had worked for) and let them peer into various rooms.   
There seemed to be a dozen different guest rooms, each with its own colour scheme, and an assortment of armouries, game rooms and one area that was kept only for clerks. They sat at a series of desks set up like a school room and were counting out piles of money and what looked like small wooden tokens.  
Balthazar quickly moved them on when Erik tried to get a closer look at that room.  
They reached what Fjord thought was a balcony and stepped out into a burst of colour and fragrance.   
The walkway outside the room led to a spiralling, ornate metal staircase that reached down to a manicured lawn.   
Dotted in strategic beds throughout the grass were flowers of every kind. Some were tall and loomed over the rest like giants, others meekly took up the edges and peeked shyly out at the viewers as they passed by.  
As soon as they saw it, Jester gasped widely and raced down the steps to see, touch and smell the beautiful plants.   
“Ah yes hmm, these are the erm, palace gardens as it were hehehe. One of the past ladies used to erm, affectionately call it that.” Balthazar let Fjord help him ease his way down the spiral staircase and swayed gently in the breeze. “We've had a lot of ladies tending to this place in one way or another, be nice to have someone new to give it some fresh eyes.”  
“It's so beautiful, I can come down here and plant things?” Jester asked, holding her hands out for a passing butterfly to inspect.  
“Ooh yes madam. Lord Drylund doesn't much care for greenery so he erm tends to let the gardeners do everything around here. I'm sure he'd be glad for you to have a little hmm rummage now and again eh?”  
Jester’s eyes lit up at the thought of having the garden to herself. Beau nodded in satisfaction at seeing the tiefling able to find joy in her new home.  
Fjord looked down at the ground. There was lots of white chalky looking stuff mixed in with the fertiliser here, he was also trying not to ask aloud what was so wrong with planting a few cabbages or something for the kitchen to use.  
He felt a hard nudge in his side as Erik elbowed him. “Quit scowling at everything.” The bard hissed in his ear. “She wants to feel good about this so let her. It might be the last kind thing you can do for her.”  
Fjord let Erik put a fallen flower into his hand and shove him slightly towards the girls.   
The half orc tried not to grumble as he stepped forward. Jester was learning that the tall flowers, erm, tended to, hmm, need a little help staying upright. That was why there were so many pieces of wood in the ground around them.   
“It all sounds real fascinating.” Fjord said as he forced one side of his mouth up into a smile.   
“Balthazar says I can plant my own flowers!” Jester said, eyes sparkling.  
“Well that sounds just fine. I can’t imagine anything nicer for my good friend Jester than more flowers in the world.” So saying, Fjord slipped the flower into her hair. At this range, it was hard to avoid the flinch as she heard him refer to her as his good friend.   
“Ahh there are the wanderers.” Came a voice.   
Lord Drylund and Torgan came around the corner and headed their way.   
Jester immediately forced a smile and walked towards her fiance.   
“Hello darling,” she said, kissing him on the cheek. “We were enjoying the gardens.”  
The man smiled back at her then turned his gaze towards the others.   
Fjord was impressed how the man’s face never wavered, but he still got the distinct impression that they’d outstayed their welcome.   
“We're all done with the contract, I thought your travelling companions might rather be on their way while we get you and your….. servant settled in my dear?”  
Beau pulled a face at the ‘servant’ comment. Fjord tried not to pull a similar one at Lord Drylund’s smirk.  
“His lordship has kindly agreed to let us stay in the city tonight and see some of the local sights. Isn't that generous of him boys?” Torgan’s speech was accompanied by a glare that said ‘Don't tell him what an asshole he is or we might get kicked out of the city early’.  
Fjord forced his body to bend so he could bow to Drylund respectfully.   
“Thank you for treating my friends so kindly, I hope your own family grows as well as your garden.”   
“Well thank you, I must admit the flowers do look nicer than a flat lawn. I never was a fan of too much green.” The man's eyes flickered over Fjord and again he smiled.  
Fjord gritted his teeth. “Flowers are beautiful.” He agreed. “Hope you don't have to deal with too many weeds with this hot summer.”  
“Oh don't worry yourself. If I see a weed I ensure it gets plucked out immediately. Do check out the casinos on your way through won't you? Balthazar can show you out.”  
As slow as Lord Drylund had been to welcome the group, he was just as quick to see them gone. He waved cheerily as they left his sight, one arm firmly around Jester’s shoulders as she eyed her husband to be with a thoughtful air.


	11. Tuskless Drunks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fjord and Erik need to forget the bad times. What better way to do that than getting drunk off their asses?
> 
> Fun Fact: Erik's pick up line in this one doesn't have a typo, it's a quote from an anonymous message my fiancee got on her blog that we both found utterly hilaious. 
> 
> Anon if you're out there, I apologise for changing the 'ur' to 'your' but I think it upheld the integrity of what you were trying to say. Bless you for making me and my girl physically cry with laughter cause that was the best day!

Torgan followed the boys to an inn that sat very close to the castle walls, instructing them that they should either stay the night there or get to the wagons to sleep off any hangovers they were planning to develop.  
He left them with some gold pieces, a subtle suggestion that they find some nice ladies to keep them entertained for the night and a dagger apiece.  
“Keep them hidden, stay out of trouble and if you spend the last of your money come back to the caravan. We’re just round the corner there. If you do decide to hook up with someone, take them to the inn, I’d rather you have the option and not need them than we have some stranger waking up to the kids asking them where babies come from.”  
“In my defence that only happened twice.” Erik pointed out.  
“Nevertheless, you two have a nice night then come home. I’m going to see what kind of deals we can make here then we’re leaving tomorrow and you both had better be ready to go. We won’t be back this way for a while. Got it?” Torgan eyed his son at this last point.  
“It’s fine dad! We’ll be there bright and early. I promise, I’m as ready to leave as anyone else.”  
“And I can ensure that we will be there and may be nursing ridiculous hangovers.” Erik added.   
“I'd rather that than have you coming back mooning over dumb ideas that will cause your mother and me massive headaches. I'll see you both later then.”  
As Torgan moved off towards the business quarter, Fjord looked over at his friend. “You ready to paint the town red?”  
“Literally or figuratively? Cause last time we did it literally we spent a LOT on paint and you left a lot of patches half done, which just made everything look tacky to be honest and… hey where are you going? Wait for me!”  
Fjord went straight to the bar of an inn that was named after a previous ruler. He must not have been very good at his job as the inns sign showed said king being executed.   
Erik caught up with his friend just as he paid for the room and the next five rounds of drinks.   
“We can eat something here then drink for the rest of the night.” He explained. “And before you ask I already checked, they’re happy for anyone to play music so long as you don’t start before the band is done.”   
Jerking a thumb towards a low stage, Erik saw a group of halflings with matching facial tattoos playing a medley of instruments that resulted in a smooth jazzy sound.   
Impressed at the surroundings, Erik took the first tankard and touched it to Fjord’s. “Well,” he said. “Here’s to another night of sketchy memories and dubious decision making.”  
The drinks went down smoothly.   
The third set went down just as well.   
The fifth was getting a little difficult to get through but by now the boys were committed.   
By the seventh drinks they could only understand each other and Erik had tried to serenade one of the barmen while swaying on stage.   
A testament to his skills, he actually managed to belt out a very decent ballad and ended up with a few magic users providing him with lighting and effects during the song.   
The barman provided him with his room number and a wink.  
Fjord had sung along as best he could, though he was reduced to mumbling every other verse when he didn’t know the words.   
He drank everything in front of him with gusto and seemed to laugh just a little too hard at Erik’s jokes.  
Having been his best friend for so many years, the bard felt that he knew the best remedy for his friend’s mood.   
“We should… we should…. Get you… um… we should get you drunk and then we should get you some sex.”  
“I am NOT…… going to get drunk. I have had… like…. Three drinks. That’s my *urp* limit.”  
“You are SUCH a liar! You have had….“ Erik tried to focus on his fingers as he counted. “At least three!”  
“I have? That’s, that’s, that’s three over my limit!”  
“I know!”  
“And I don’t want sex with… I don’t wanna sleep with anyone tonight I just want…. I want to get drunk and leave this town.”  
“It’s not a town it’s a river, I think it’s a river…. Is that why my feathers are wet?”  
“I think you’re in a puddle of beer.”  
“Ooooohh…. Hey! I have an idea! WE should have sex!”  
“But why would we be having sex at the same time?”  
“Nooo I mean we should have together type sex. Like you and me in the same bed.”  
“Why would I have sex with you? You’re my best friend.”  
“Exactly! You are my best… you are my best friend and I know what a dumbass you are and if you screw it up I won’t get mad cause I already know you have like… no technique cause I spoke to that girl from….umm…. Baldur’s Gate! She had a lot to say about you the next day I swear.”  
“I thought she had fun! I was trying something new!”  
“Yeah she was mean for a druid. But I know all kinds of stuff that you might like and I- and I- AND I have had less than zero complaints in that area so you should totally… like… go to bed with me.”  
“How about.. Ok, how about we both go to bed and we sleep off this um…. This feeling like I might throw up a bit.”  
“Do you… do you need a pickup line? I have tons… I might be able to remember one sometime… maybe….”  
“No! No picking up, we need sleep stuff.”  
“Fuck me with your throbbing genitals asexy daddy.” Erik burbled, trying and failing miserably to maintain eye contact.  
“Alrighty, we’re done. let’s go buddy.”  
“No, shan’t!”  
Fjord leaned over towards his friend and pulled him into a fireman’s lift. Stumbling a little, he managed to carry his friend’s dead weight all the way to their room and unceremoniously dumped him on one of the beds.   
“Snuggle with me dammit!” Erik called as he lay prone on the blankets.  
“Quit kidding around! We’re gonna feel like crap tomorrow and I wanna sleep at least some of this off. Good night and stuff and… and….” As his head hit the pillow, Fjord’s train of thought derailed into oblivion. His snores filled the room and cause a bowl on the dressing table to rattle slightly.   
Just before sleep overtook him, Erik eyed his friend. “Bold of you to assume I was kidding dearest.” He murmured wistfully as he rolled over into an aarakocra style burrito of warmth.


	12. Tuskless New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jester adjusts to life in the castle. 
> 
> Absolutely nothing exciting happens. 
> 
> Nothing.
> 
> Honest....

Jester watched Fjord and his family disappear round the corner of the castle.   
She felt a lump rising in her throat and told herself that of course she couldn’t keep him. He wasn’t hers to keep.   
Lord Drylund however, was the man she was going to be spending most of her time with.  
Turning towards him, she plastered a smile on her face. “So, what should I learn first?”  
“Hmm?” He answered distractedly, eyeing Balthazar as he chatted happily to a large tulip.  
“I need to learn how to run the castle surely? So is there anything you want me to learn first?”  
Drylund’s eyes snapped back towards Jester, then crinkled as he burst into loud, raucous laughter.   
“Oh my dear! You won’t have to worry about anything so strenuous as that! You won’t be doing anything important here. You’re a lady now, your only job is to look pretty when my fellow lords come round.”  
Jester blinked. “But I thought-”  
“Ah there’s your first mistake little one. You don’t have to worry about anything resembling real responsibility. That’s my job. Now you can run around this castle as you please and amuse your pretty little head as much as you like, but when it comes to anything of actual worth that will all come down to me. I think we can get you a space where you can have some lady friends over but perhaps we can leave out the half breeds and monsters? I’ll have to have the maids check the place over in case they’ve shed everywhere.”  
Jester felt herself shaking with anger on behalf of her friends. “They are NOT-”  
“Now now, it’s impolite to argue with your husband in front of the help. I need to get some business finished up, I won’t overheat your brain with the details but I will need you to stay out of the way. Find yourself something quiet to do won’t you?”  
With a dismissive wave of his hand, Lord Drylund tripped away. Leaving Jester and Beau watching him open-mouthed and infuriated.  
“Was he serious?” Jester asked incredulously.   
“Just say the word, I can make it look like an accident. You don’t even need to actually marry him if we forge the wedding papers.”  
Jester mulled it over. Then she breathed heavily inwards and let it out again in a deep sigh.  
“No. I promised my mother Beau, I promised her. I’m sure he just needs to see how useful I can be. Then he’ll change his mind about letting me help out and we can bond over a few of things.”  
“Or we could just…” Beau drew a thumb across her throat and made a squelching sound through her teeth.  
“We’re not going to do that… At least not until we get some kind of pre-nup signed. Then we’ll see.”  
“Alrighty, just remember where we left the weapons is all I ask.”  
Jester did her best to try and leave a mark on the castle. She picked out some nice flowers from the garden to go in the vases in the entry hall.   
Then she was told that the master didn’t like those types of flowers and she shouldn’t pick those ones out of the garden as they offset the dahlias.   
So she asked if there was a room she could redecorate.   
The servants were all happy to offer their services in tidying up the place but seemed unsure and concerned when she suggested a new colour scheme.   
They informed her that the lord had picked out the current scheme himself and wouldn’t want them to ruin it without his approval.   
The same thing happened when she offered to make one of the spare rooms into a game room with room for exercise equipment, when she offered to paint a mural on one of the bare hallway walls and even when she asked if she could just have a blank canvas and some paints of her own to take to her room she was told that it would have to be approved by the lord first.   
“Well where is he?” Jester demanded, fighting the urge to stamp her foot with frustration. “I haven’t even seen him since this morning and we’re supposed to be getting married soon.”  
“I believe his lordship wishes to ensure that you are not overly disturbed before the wedding.” Said Vindeus, the half elf valet who’d been keeping a subtle eye on the girls. “He thought it would be in your best interests to find your own ways to amuse yourself in the castle before you have to also abide by the rules and regulations of high society.”  
“He wants to get me high?”  
“Beg pardon ma’am?”  
“Don’t worry about it. Am I allowed to do anything on my own?”  
“I believe his lordship would be happy for you to look through the library, as it is getting quite late in the day we can also have your supper sent up there. His lordship will be quite busy well into the night I’m afraid.”  
“Big surprise. Come on Beau, let’s go to the book room and be bored.”  
Beau rolled her eyes and groaned deep in her throat as she stomped after her friend.  
Hours later, one third of all the illustrated books now featured moustaches on every person and Jester as utterly bored out of her skull.   
“Beeaaauuuuuuuuu!” She moaned into an open book that featured a princess riding a dragon, both with handlebar moustaches and mutton chops.   
“Whhhaaaaaaaat?” The monk replied, balancing on a tall stack of books she had set up.  
“I want to do stuff, I want to help people but I can’t do anything here! Why did I have to get stuck with this awful guy who smells weird?”  
“You noticed it too? I thought a stable boy had been following us!”  
“Ugh, I wanted this to be a big fairytale moment where I could act like a proper lady and get some orphanages set up and schools and all these kids would be so happy… Why won’t he let me do any of that?”  
Beau somersaulted off of the tower of books and landed with a hefty thud next to the tiefling. “it’s kind of early days yet Jester.” Beau said as she dropped to the floor to sit next to her. “Maybe he just isn’t used to letting someone else take the reins. Give him some time and maybe he’ll soften up. Although if he refers to me as ‘the help’ again I might use my fists to soften him up for ya.”  
Jester giggled a little. “He was kind of rude. But maybe you’re right. If I can get through to him about letting me help out then I can get through to him about being nicer to my friends.”  
As if summoned by the discussion, Lord Drylund flung open the doors of the library and strode in.   
“Well here you are! My dear I have been looking all over for you.”  
Jester perked up at the thought of being needed. “You have?”  
“Most certainly! We need to arrange sleeping arrangements for you.”  
Jester’s expression froze. “O...oh?”  
“Yes I know it’s a disappointment but there’s been some… talk amongst the upper crust about us sharing a bed before the ceremony has been completed. We’re going to have to set up one of the guest bedrooms for you to sleep in.”  
It took a supreme effort of will for Jester to keep the relief from her face. “Oh well, if it keeps your reputation in good standing.”  
“I hoped you would say that and look at you being ever so obedient! Jolly well done!” Leaning down, he patted her head in between the curling horns.   
Beau’s mouth twisted as she tried to decide if it was more funny or enraging to see Jester being treated like a dog.   
“Tomorrow is going to be very exciting! I have a full day planned and would appreciate you coming along to learn the lay of the land ready for some real changes in the city.”  
Jester’s eyes lit up this time. “I would love that!”  
“I thought so, but I do feel the need to add that your maid will need to be in a separate room   
too.” Lord Drylund continued. “It’s not done to have servants sleeping in the lords and ladies rooms. There’ll be a perfectly nice bit of straw or something in the lower quarters. As it’s your first night I’m sure we can dig up a blanket or something.”   
Beau looked with a neutral expression at the smiling man above her.   
“Nothing would please me more.” She said through a gritted teeth grin. She decided not to tell him that she said that while imagining punching all the teeth out of his head.   
“Splendid! Well let’s not waste anymore time. Night is drawing on after all and I bet you’d love to rest that weary head of yours.” Another guffaw followed Lord Drylund as he briskly stepped out of the room again, leaving the girls to the tender mercies of the head maid.   
Barely five minutes after looking into Jester’s room, Beau was bustled out again. Apparently the fact that she was sat on the bed meant that she was ‘all tucked in’ and ‘needed her rest’ for the busy day everyone else had planned for her tomorrow.  
“You know I’ve watched her sleeping way more times than you right?” Beau told the door that had been shut in her face. She’d intended the comment for the maid but the older woman was surprisingly quick.   
Feeling a little dejected, Beau started to slink back towards the servants quarters.   
She hadn’t gone halfway before a hand slipped over her mouth and pulled her into the shadows.   
Beau wriggled and tried to lash out at the shape holding her until a mask was pulled down and a grinning face revealed itself.  
“Sarissa!” Beau whispered as she recognised Fjord’s mother. “What are you doing here?”  
“I came to return this, I think it must have dropped out of the dress I repaired.” The assassin said, holding out a slim, wooden box.   
Beau recognised it as a travelling painting case that Jester’s mother had given her. It was one of the few objects she always kept nearby and something that would surely bring her comfort on her first night in a new home.   
“Sarissa you are amazing. She would have been so upset if she lost this.”  
“Well I’m glad to hear she didn’t, it seems as though she’ll need some home comforts.”  
“Yeah it’s scary in a new place.”  
“NoI mean people around here. Poor Torgan nearly got ran out of town and I have never been offered such ridiculous prices by so many people at once. At first I thought they were seeing me as some sort of newbie but it turns out there’s only 3 people running almost all the businesses here. Two of them said weren’t even interested so that left me flirting with the manager of an inn just to break even!”  
“That sucks! Does this mean the whole trip was a total bust?”  
“No thankfully, thanks to you two actually! The reward money from saving you gave us enough of an edge to make a little profit. We’re definitely going to leave tomorrow though, there’s something bubbling in this place and I don’t think it’s friendly towards outsiders.”  
“You’re telling me.” Beau murmured as the maid who had put Jester to bed walked primly by, eyes downcast and seeing no one.  
“Hey why don’t you bring this to Jester? Give her a proper goodbye? I know she’d appreciate it and it might calm her down before so she can get some actual rest tonight.”  
“Of course I can, the poor love. She must be so homesick.”  
“You’re telling me.”   
The two women carefully made their way back along the hall, pausing to let the odd servant pass by while they hid in the shadows. There was a faint murmur here and there where people congregated in their work but everything else was quiet and calm.   
They took extra care when walking past Lord Drylund’s office, pausing only for Beau to mime some derogatory things to it while Sarissa stifled laughter.   
When they reached her door, Beau knocked and whisper-called to Jester.   
“Jester, it’s me Beau, are you still up?”  
A moment of waiting revealed nothing more than a faint rustling sound.   
Beau opened the door and started to tell Jester that Sarissa was here.   
She stopped talking as her eyes registered the hand covering Jester’s mouth, attached to the man holding a dagger up.  
Beau looked at the man.   
The man looked at Beau.   
Beau threw herself at the man with a roar and nearly broke his ribs as she brought her knee up to connect with his solar plexus.   
Jester sat up with a gasp as Sarissa joined Beau in attacking the man who responded with surprising speed.   
Wrenching himself free from Beau’s grappling attack, the man brought out a second dagger that steamed with an unnatural coldness in the air.   
“Jester, run! Get Lord Drylund!” Sarissa barked, taking her place next to Beau and pulling her own weapons out ready.   
The tiefling wavered for a moment until Beau grabbed at the curtain rail and deftly removed the rings from it, wielding the wood like a staff.  
“GO!” The monk agreed as she rushed to attack once more.   
Jester raced for the door and all but skidded around the corner to her fiance’s room.   
Grabbing at the door knob, she twisted it sharply and fell into the room where she saw Lord Drylund sat at a desk working on some kind of letter.   
“What is the meaning of-?!” He blustered as she ran to him and immediately started trying to pull him from the chair.   
“An assassin! A man he tried to kill me, in my room!” Jester gasped.   
“A man did what in your room? How-”  
“No time, Beau and Sarissa they’re… we need to call the guards quickly!”  
“Alright alright it’s fine my dear we’ll deal with it.” Putting one hand around Jester, Lord Drylund reached out for a bell pull with his other hand and tugged on it. That done, he started to rummage through one of his desk drawers.   
“They need to hurry.” Jester panted. “They might get hurt, he might kill them.”  
“Now don’t carry on so my dear it will all be taken care of.” The hand around Jester’s shoulders squeezed tighter. “Everything will be taken care of if you just settle down for a moment. Close your eyes and take a deep breath.”  
“But-”  
“Ah ah ah! You’re no good to anyone if you can’t tell them what happened. Now eyes shut, big breath…”  
Jester did as she was told, closing her eyes and breathing in.  
“That’s right, keep your eyes shut for now dear child, I wouldn’t want anyone seeing you so upset.”  
Jester heard movement.  
She opened her eyes.   
Lord Drylund was watching her with a calculating stare.  
The dagger in his hand flashed in the candlelight as he brought it up above her head.


	13. Tuskless Danger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It continues! I lied about the ending, there's more folks yet to appear after all. Speaking of which....

Jester gasped and started to push away from her attacker. Lord Drylund’s grip was too tight on her shoulders and she just managed to free herself as the dagger bit into her skin and tore a wide gash in her shoulder.   
She screamed at the pain and used her good arm to punch reflexively at him.   
As her fist connected, the man seemed to collapse like a deflated balloon as he went flying backwards in his chair and melted onto the ground in an unconscious heap.  
“Fuck you! The wedding is off!” She yelled at his prone form just as the door to the office opened. Beau entered first, bleeding from a cut on her forehead and Sarissa quickly followed, holding a sodden red rag that she stuffed into a hidden pocket of some kind at her side.  
“What the fuck happened here?” Beau asked, glaring down at Lord Drylund.  
“He tried to murder me,” Jester whimpered, feeling cold as she realised how close she’d come to dying at the hands of the man her mother had sent her to. “He had a knife and he was going to kill me with it and so I- I punched him and…. and…” Sarissa wrapped the tiefling into a strong hug.  
“Now’s not the time to be scared dear, we need to get you out of here, now!” So saying, the older women opened the windows of the lord’s room and started to tie bed sheets together to give them a chance of dropping down to the ground.   
“At least the idiot man was vain enough to have his window looking over the city.” She growled as she worked. “We should be able to hop straight to the wall this way and be off by morning.”  
Beau started to shove the biggest and heaviest items of furniture in front of the door.   
“We’re gonna be in so much trouble when his servants come looking for him.” She said.  
“We’re already in trouble, he sent that assassin to kill your friend and he probably has a few more on hand ready to make sure the job’s done.”  
“You think there might be more?” Beau’s words were punctuated by a sudden smashing sound as the end of a rapier forced its way through the door panels and was quickly removed again.   
“Yeah I think it’s time to go!” Beau agreed.  
Sarissa and Jester threw the rope around the post of Drylund’s bed before flinging it out of the window.   
“Come here Beau, you go first.” Sarissa instructed. “At worst I can hold them off but you’ll need to protect Jester as she gets down to the ground.”  
Beau leaned away from the door as another smashing sound followed the loss of a second panel from the door and a baleful eye glared in at them.   
“Yeah I can do that, c’mon Jester!”   
Grabbing her friend’s hand, the two of them started down towards the city as quickly as they could. Beau was nimble and rappelled down easily as Jester followed behind, a little slowed by her injured arm but otherwise quick.   
“Sarissa!” Beau hissed at the open window. “C’mon hurry up!”  
The older woman’s head popped out of the window for a moment, then disappeared. It felt like an age before she appeared again with a leap out of the window, letting herself fall a few feet down before kicking off the top branches of a tree growing nearby, then bouncing herself off the castle wall and landing smartly on the edge of a well next to the girls.   
“I thought she’d like a trophy before we left this place.” Sarissa said as she held out some kind of animal skin. A closer look revealed that it was Lord Drylund’s toupee.   
In spite of the pain and fear from the night, Jester found herself giggling at the thought of that awful man waking up bald and surrounded by concerned servants.  
She really hoped he peed his pants while he was unconscious too.   
“We’d better get moving!” Beau warned, pointing upwards.   
A long haired person was peering down at them from the window they had so recently vacated. Sarissa aimed her hand crossbow and fired up at the watcher, missing them by inches as the stranger pulled their head back inside.   
The three women leapt for the city and raced toward the outer buildings. i said   
“The caravan!” Sarissa told them. “Get to the wagons and tell Torgan that there’s a sale on at Gilmore’s and you need to get going, I’ll track the wagons and meet up along the way.”

That’s how your getting our sponsors name in this one?

He did say he wanted his name in a part where there’s a good bit of action going on.

Yes but he was winking when he said it, do you think we should have had it earlier?

With the Fjord Jester scene? How would that even have worked?

I don’t know but shouldn’t we give Mr Gilmore what he would prefer?

Oh hush, he’ll love this bit I promise.

Just like he loved it when you offered to name your new slug after him?

I still maintain that was a compliment and who else is going to breed racing slugs in his name?

Let’s…. let’s just get back to the story.

“Where are you going?” Jester gasped.”We can’t leave you behind!”  
“I can take care of myself, I just need to make sure all of us get away from this gods forsaken city. I just need to bring our last little lost lambs home before the whole place gets locked down.”  
“How are you going to find anybody without the guards spotting you?” Beau pointed out, leaping over a cart of barrels that pulled out in front of them, a shouted “Sorry!” following them as they raced along the riverbank.   
“In a place this big there’s always an angle the lawful types don’t know about, you just have to know who to ask…” Sarissa all but screeched to a halt as she spotted an oddly sized couple of what appeared to be beggars. “Ah ha! I think I see our angle!”

Erik wriggled in his sleep. He felt an itch in his feathers as if someone was doing magic. Letting his eyes open an inch, he realised that someone was outside their room door whispering to someone who wasn’t there.  
“It’s definitely the right room, the half breed and the bird right? ….well I’m almost certain I saw them with that carnival of freaks from this morning so- Yes… yes you’re right, no they were drinking so much they’ll be out for hours. If you can come now I’ll give you the spare key to the room. No one needs to know, just try and keep it clean. Well it’s hard to sell a room with bloodstains seeped into the wood!”  
The voice tailed off as the speaker disappeared down the hall. Erik slowly raised his head and looked towards Fjord. His snores had disappeared at some point and he was breathing low and regularly.   
As soon as the voice vanished entirely, his eyes opened and locked onto Erik’s in silent conversation.   
With a nod, the bard eased himself out of bed and plumped up the pillows and blankets into a certain shape.   
Fjord did the same before opening the window as silently as he could.   
The night was quiet and well lit from a full moon. Far along the river, a large boat was cruising along with some kind of party in full swing occupying the deck.   
Fjord stepped out first, moving carefully along the roof to ensure he didn’t make anything creak.   
Erik followed by shadowing his friend’s movements. When he reached the edge of the roof, he looked over to his friend and nodded once.   
Fjord nodded back and leapt from the tiles.   
About halfway down, the bard grabbed Fjord’s arms and flapped his wings to halt the fall a little and bring them both to a gentle stop on the cobbles.   
The lack of customers at night also meant a lack of witnesses, so the two boys took a moment to look around for their next course of action.   
“Should we head for the caravan or wait to see what they’re up to here?” Erik asked.   
“I don’t like the feel of this place any more than I did earlier.” Fjord growled. “We’ll head towards the wagons, but we need to keep out of sight.”  
“I believe I can help you with that.”   
Erik and Fjord both looked around confusedly for a moment until the voice said “Down here!”   
Looking down, the two boys saw a manhole cover lifted by a man shaped pile of dirt.   
Upon looking closer, it was definitely a human who was just very filthy. His hair may have been red at some level, but it was hard to tell through the grime.   
He waved a hand that stuck out of a shabby brown coat and smiled as he spoke. “Guten abend gentlemen, I believe your mother sent me to fetch you.”


	14. Tuskless half.....ling?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moments with the ladies! Jester, Beau and Nott are fleeing the city via the sewers.
> 
> Nothing could go awry with a plan like that right?

Jester and Beau had learned to keep their heads down. Being hit in the head by a pipe was lesson enough the first time.  
The tiny figure ahead of them who had introduced herself as Nott led the way with unerring confidence. She was small enough not to hit anything and had assured them that she knew the area like the back of her hand.   
“Caleb and I have been using these sewers to avoid the guard patrols they’ve been sending out to toss out all the undesirables.” She explained. Occasionally reaching up to adjust the porcelain mask covering the lower half of her face.   
“Unfortunately ‘undesirable’ has come to mean more and more people lately. At first it was homeless people who stayed in the city, then it was travelling entertainers, then it was anyone who might be considered a dangerous species. Turns out, there’s a lot more dangerous species out there than anyone ever realised! Even a halfling like me isn’t safe.”  
“Halfling…” Beau said in a flat tone.  
“Yes! I am a halfling,” Nott said with a jerk. “See the pretty face? That’s pure pink skinned tiny person that is. Nothing less horrifying than that.”  
“Except maybe a doughnut.” Jester mused. “Doughnuts are generally the least horrifying thing I can think of.”  
“That’s… true…” Nott found herself agreeing.   
“I always found baby chickens to be pretty non-threatening.” Beau agreed. “Even if you get a whole horde of the little buggers they still just end up looking even more cute.”  
“That’s definitely true.” Said Nott. “I always feel the same about bats. A horde of them just means you might get more for dinner that night so it’s not scary at all to see them flying towards you so long as you have something to grab them with.”  
Beau and Jester shared an incredulous look.   
“Yeah… you got it buddy!” Beau managed to say, fighting a fit of giggles as Jester turned her face away, shoulders shaking.   
“Wait a minute,... oh! Hush both of you a moment!” Nott stood stock still as she issued the warning. Beau and Jester stopped in place and looked around them worriedly.   
After a moment, a noise came from above as a crowd of people moved swiftly towards their location.   
A muffled voice barked to the others. “The water baron has been attacked! His fiancee was kidnapped. I want guards at every gate, nobody comes in and no one goes out without my permission. If I haven’t personally confirmed their authenticity you may consider them suspects. Squads four and five you head through the inns and look for anyone holding her there, lieutenant come with me and I’ll show you where I think we need to-”   
The voices died away and the three women looked around at each other.   
We should give them a minute before we move on.” Nott murmured.   
“Do you think they might try and grab Fjord’s family?” Jester asked.   
“I don’t know.” Beau replied. “I mean, they’re the guys who rescued you once and asked for money for saving you, if anyone wanted someone to blame it’d be those guys.”  
“But they didn’t do anything wrong! And there’s children in those wagons as well as adults, why would anyone want to hurt them?”  
“You know most people talk softer when they’re trying to be quiet.” Nott interjected nervously.  
Beau growled and rubbed her face. “How long would it take to run to the caravan, tell them to run for it then come back and get us?”  
“Well longer than if we just get moving, we’re aiming to come out of this place beyond the city walls. That’s where the rogueish lady told us to meet up and she mentioned there would be a lot of wagons.”  
“God I love that woman, she thinks of everything.”  
“I think Torgan might get mad if he hears you say that.” said Jester. “He looks like the jealous type even if he is really sweet on a normal day.”  
“Really? I always thought he’d secretly be super romantic. Like she’d come home and her bedroom was full of, like, flowers and stuff and he’d come in with-”  
“Should we really be talking about this now? I feel like we’re running out of time to get out of here.” Nott interrupted. The little creature’s yellow eyes were flitting about and her large ears twitched as she nervously watched the shadows.   
“I’m sure it’s fine.” Beau said, waving a hand nonchalantly. “Even if a guard was dumb enough to come running around down here looking for folks, which one of those snobby jerks would be willing to mess up their uniforms?”  
“I heard something! Down this way, keep close to me men!”   
The stranger’s voice sounding very close and exceedingly military in nature.  
“Crap.” Beau groaned, taking her makeshift staff in hand again.  
“What do we do?” Jester asked, moving closer to the other two.  
“Stay silent and stand here.” Nott demanded, grabbing the other two by the hand and pressing them against the sodden wall.   
“But they’re coming this way!” Beau hissed.   
Shhhh! I’ve got it covered.” Nott made some movements with her hands and suddenly the rest of the sewer… wasn’t there.   
The girls found themselves looking at a whole new section of brick work that wavered slightly in their vision. They both looked down astonished at the tiny creature who had created the illusion and she once again pressed a finger to her porcelain lips.   
The splashing sound came closer as three or four guards splashed along the tunnels.   
“I’m sure I heard voices from this direction sarge.”  
“Well whoever was talking might hear you private, perhaps you could try shutting that big mouth of yours till we’ve actually found someone?”  
A clanging sound suggested the sergeant had taken his frustrations out on the younger man before the footsteps started to slosh into a new direction.   
Nott kept the wall up a few minutes after the guards had left just in case.   
“What did you do?” She asked incredulously. “Half the guards in the entire city are after you.”  
“That’s what I don’t know,” Jester whispered back. “I was going to marry Lord Drylund and it was this big political thing but then he was a jerk and I thought it would be ok because I could make schools and orphanages and things and then someone tried to stab me so I stole my fiance’s hair and now we’re hiding behind a wall and I really don’t know what’s going on at this point.”  
“I think I feel the same way.”   
“But I think Lord Drylund is the one who sent the guy to kill me because when I went to tell him he tried to kill me too.”  
“Did you try stealing his buttons? I find that people can get very angry if you steal from them.”  
“I think this is a little bigger than a revenge killing.” Beau interrupted. “It’s the kind of situation where we really need to get out of here as soon as possible if you catch my drift?”  
“Oh don’t worry, we can meet up with my boy, he should be down here too. Give me a minute…”   
The tiny creature who insisted on calling herself a halfling took out a piece of wire and twisted it into a strange shape.   
“Caleb, it’s me, Nott.” She said into the wire. “I have the ladies here, have you found the others? We’re next to a bit of wall that’s red and a dead rat just floated by a minute ago. Let us know where you are and we’ll meet you. You can reply to this message.”  
As she put away the wire, Nott released the illusion of the wall and peered up at the ladies.   
“He’ll be in touch soon, then we can go find him.”  
Shouts up ahead indicated that the guards and their friends had crossed paths.   
“Oh gods! I’ve killed my boy!” Nott screeched, pulling out a small crossbow and racing towards the angry voices.  
“Never a dull moment today huh?” Beau quipped, brandishing her pole and racing after the small creature. Jester grinned and followed quickly into battle.


	15. Tuskless Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, this battle was written entirely by dice rolls. 
> 
> I didn't even get to type anything, these little guys are surprisingly good at writing!

Fjord took up the rear as Erik followed the red haired human along the wet tunnels of the sewers.   
Normally he liked water, he’d learned to swim before he learned to ride a horse.   
This did not look like water people should be swimming in.   
Caleb was periodically making tiny orbs of light appear and lead the way along the maze of tunnels.   
“How do you know where you’re going?” Erik asked. “We’ve been walking for about ten minutes and I already feel lost.”  
“Oh Nott and I have been in this city for a while now. We’re just looking around for a way to make some extra pennies before we move on. You know how it is.”  
Caleb was soft spoken and reveal much as he spoke. He turned his head as he answered Erik but wouldn't quite meet his eye.  
Fjord nudged his friend and cocked his head towards Caleb with a look that asked “Do you think we can trust him?” Erik shrugged back with an expression that said “Damned if I know, but what choice do we have?”  
Erik’s feathers had always been very expressive.  
“We should be close to the meeting place with Nott and your companions.” Caleb said, eyeing an odd symbol painted on the side of the tunnel. “With luck we should be able to pass out of the city walls completely undetec-” Caleb stopped, he waved a hand behind him to the boys and immediately snuffed out the lights.   
Silently as he could, Fjord drew his falchion.   
Pretty much blind, Erik carefully moved around his half-orc friend until they were back to back.   
Voices and splashes started towards the men, curving around the stone up ahead.   
Fjord watched as Caleb used his hands to mime people walking by, then made one hand curve around the other.   
On their current route, the soldiers would pass into a parallel tunnel and completely pass by their quarry. There was a small archway that joined the two tunnels, but without a strong light to see through it the soldiers would miss them.   
The men held ready to fight as the soldiers came by the archway, soft lamplight almost reaching their position.   
As the last soldier disappeared from sight, Caleb relaxed and nodded towards the other two.   
Fjord started to put his falchion away when the magically enhanced voice burst into life at Caleb’s waist.   
“Caleb, it’s me, Nott.I have the ladies here, have you found the others? We’re next to a bit of wall that’s red and a dead rat just floated by a minute ago. Let us know where you are and we’ll meet you. You can reply to this message.”  
Before the first sentence was finished the guards began splashing their way quickly back to the archway.   
Caleb yelled something in his own language and a bolt of magic exploded in the midst of the guards, knocking one of them into the filthy water while the other three shook off the effects and kept coming, swords drawn.   
“Bring back the lights!” Fjord yelled as he leaped into the fray, falchion swinging for the closest guard and slashing through his armour to open a gash along the length of his torso.   
The guard screamed and careered to one side as the last two drew in on Fjord.   
Caleb tried to do something to the guard coming from the left but whatever it was backfired in his hand and fizzled out again.   
Erik drew his bow and fired an arrow at the soldier on the right but it ricocheted off of his breastplate and stuck into something that squeaked indignantly in the dark.   
The last guard to have escaped the magic swung his sword down at the half orc, only to be met by Fjord’s weapon clanging against it, his biceps bulging as he held the man’s weapon out of harm’s way with a wicked grin at his opponent.   
This still left the guard on the right who took the opportunity to slash at Fjord’s arm, forcing him to dodge backwards as his enemy’s sword fell the rest of the way towards him.   
The guard who had been knocked back earlier scrabbled in the water, then squealed as his hand hit something slimy and fell back into the murky sewer water.   
“It’s rude to start a party without all the guests assholes!” Came Beau’s voice somewhere behind Fjord.  
“Found the girls!” Erik grinned as he notched another arrow.  
“Let’s not make them do all the work!” Fjord replied as he sprung back into another slashing attack.  
The guard brought his sword up a millisecond too late as the sword smashed into his shoulder and stuck in his collarbone, forcing the man to his knees with a scream.  
Caleb waved his hands and muttered once more, this time blasting a rocket of light into the body of the second guard where it swiftly blackened his flesh. The man opened his mouth in shock and only a black smoke came out as he fell.   
Erik took another shot at the third guard aiming his own weapon at Fjord and fired only for the man to dodge the arrow with a nimble backstep. He glared at the bard who stuck his tongue out in response.  
The guard trapped by Fjord’s sword whimpered at the pain and seemed too preoccupied with his gushing wound to fight back. The one Erik had fired at decided to strike back at the bard and flung a dagger at his arm, smirking as the weapon hit its target.   
Erik said a variety of rude words in very quick succession and his attacker’s helmet burst into flames, causing the man to yelp and remove it quickly.   
The fallen guard appeared to have taken in a mouthful of something and was too busy vomiting to join the battle just yet.   
Nott fired an arrow at the guard pinned by Fjord’s sword, the arrow lodged itself through one of the man’s eyes and he slid loosely to the water and sunk beneath the surface.   
Beau attacked the man who had removed his burning helmet by using the curtain pole to vault over Erik and kicking out at the guard.   
Her foot connected with his face with devastating accuracy and he was flung back towards the now lunch-free guard who had just pulled himself upright.  
With surprising foresight, he looked up in time to see his colleague flying towards him and stepped to one side. Wincing as his colleague landed in what was once a sausage turnover from Shannara’s Pasties.   
Jester raced straight to Erik’s side and held his arm gently as she inspected his wound.   
The two guards looked at their enemies, then they looked at their fallen comrades.   
“Run!” The fallen one shouted as he struggled to get up.  
The standing guard started to slosh his way out of the tunnels, looking up for any exits he could aim for as he starting to pick up speed.   
Grabbing Erik’s bow from him, Fjord quickly took a shot at the running man and hit him in the shoulder, forcing him to stop.   
Caleb took another shot of magic at the closer guard but he lifted himself up and started after his colleague just as the bolt fizzled into the water, making it boil for a moment.   
Nott took Fjord’s example and shot the farthest guard again, giving him a second bolt sticking out of his flesh and causing him to kneel in place, frantically scrabbling for a weapon at his belt.   
Beau practically skipped over the water to get to the closest guard and she tried to land one of several punches and kicks on him.  
Unfortunately for her, the man had lost no speed during the battle and dodged every blow.   
The arrow stuck man turned with a desperate gasp and shot an arrow towards Fjord, who nearly dropped the bow he was holding as the bolt buried itself deeply into the muscle of his forearm.  
The guard fighting Beau managed to dodge her long enough to land a punch of his own, catching her across the cheekbone and causing her to take a step back.  
Fjord ignored the screaming pain as he pulled back the bowstring once more and shot the already injured guard in the chest, watching as he gasped out a last breath and collapsed.   
The final guard, seeing that the battle was over, drew his sword and aimed it at Beau’s belly, striking upwards.   
Caleb and Nott took a shot at the same time, one with magic and one with an arrow.   
Caleb’s magic stopped the weapon from closing in on Beau’s body.   
Nott’s arrow stopped the guard from doing anything ever again.   
As the last man dropped, the group stood in silence as they took in the carnage around them.   
“That was badass! Beau whispered, eyes twinkling in the dark.   
“I will take your word for it fraulein.” Caleb answered, hands shaking a little as he summoned the orbs of light once more.   
Jester yanked the dagger from Erik’s arm and as he hissed in pain, put her hand to his wound and magically healed it.   
“I didn’t know you could do that?” He said with a tone of wonderment.   
“You never asked.” She answered with a wink.   
“Is there a waiting list I need to go onto for some of that?” Fjord asked, tugging the arrow out by himself with a wince.   
“Don’t worry you’re next. Does anyone else need healing?”  
“I’ll survive.” Beau said wiping her nose on her sleeve.   
“I didn’t even get hit with anything,” Nott confirmed. “Caleb, are you alright? Are you…. are you fine?”  
“Yes my friend I believe so. May I ask a question of the group before we get too lost in healings and celebrations?”  
The others nodded or murmured their consent.  
“Are you going to loot these bodies or may I?”


	16. Tuskless Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang have one final obstacle to reunite with their family. 
> 
> So they make the magical equivalent of two guys in a pantomime horse their getaway vehicle. 
> 
> So long as we have mutton pies, they'll be ok!

The sun was coming down on a city that was bustling with the same energy as an anthill that’s been gifted with a half eaten doughnut dropped by a careless child.  
Guards stood firm at the doors in each part of the wall and all but cavity searched anyone trying to leave or enter the city.   
Archers wandered along the top of the wall, bows already notched with arrows and just waiting for someone to move the wrong way.   
Along the riverbank more guards moved from boat to boat of every kind, rooting through possessions and eyeing every member of staff or guest they could find.  
They seemed too preoccupied to notice the wagons that went trundling through the wide gates to a copse of trees far enough away as to be out of sight of the guards.  
A close to exhausted wizard lowered the spell that had hidden the trader family from sight and helped to pull branches into place, camouflaging the wagons.  
Torgan pulled a tree trunk into place across the last pathway that would lead to his people, then came to stand beside his wife.   
She stood watching the city with her arms folded. Eyes scanning the area as she watched the movement.  
“They know where to come?” He asked.  
“They know. They also know I'll come for them if they take too long.”  
“A terrifying prospect indeed. So what do we do now?”  
“We wait as long as we can. Maybe throw in a prayer or two to whatever gods might be listening.”  
“Hmmph. Never put much trust in gods.”  
Torgan slipped an arm around his wife's shoulders and squeezed gently.  
“Now this,” he murmured in her ear. “This I would follow into another plane if you but asked.”  
“Soppy old bean.” She smiled, kissing him on the cheek. “I just hope they make it before nightfall. We'll need to be gone by then.”  
“We can protect the others without leaving them behind. Don't think you're the only tricky one.”  
“Oh darling I've never thought that. The prettier one perhaps but never the trickier one.”  
“I'm wounded! I used to cause ladies to swoon when I entered a village. True much of that was from fear but I believe it still counts.”  
Sarissa grinned, then turned back towards the city.  
“They're still so young.” She sighed ”I still see Fjord as my little boy. All chubby and running around after birds. Even Erik still seems like a mouthy toddler to me sometimes.”  
“To be fair most people see Erik as a mouthy toddler. They're young compared to us, but they're strong with it. They won't be caught easily, not our brave boys.”

Fjord made an odd squeaking sound as a rat raced over his foot.   
“How much longer do we have to be down here? This is really grossing me out!” Fjord kicked savagely to try and remove something slimy and yellowish that had attached itself to the toe of his boot.  
“We're nearly out, we just need to turn this last corner and….ahh see? Wundabar!“  
Caleb stopped in front of a large pile of what looked like old, abandoned furniture. Nott clapped her hands enthusiastically and cheered “Well down Caleb!” until Jester and Erik joined in.  
Beau, seeing Fjord’s disbelieving face, joined in with the applause and even tried to whistle using her fingers. She managed to make a vague whistling noise but it faded quickly and she settled for clapping along with the others.  
“So we were aiming for a pile of trash?” Fjord asked once he could be heard.  
“Indeed!” Caleb said excitedly. “This trash has been a very useful pile to me and Nott for a long while now. We will be seeing your mother again soon.”  
As the man started to tug at random legs and mouldy furnishings, Fjord muttered to himself. “Probably see her in a hospital after we all get some weird disease down here.”  
He flinched forward as something slapped against his behind. He turned his head to glare at Erik only to find that it was Jester who had struck him.   
“Be nice!” She whispered. “They both helped us get this far, I’m sure they have some way out as well.”  
“Well we don’t know anything about these two, they just turned up and started telling us that they can get us out of here but how do we know they’re not just going to sell us out to Drylund?”  
“They seem nice, I like them. Be grateful that someone is willing to help us in this horrible place.”  
“I’ll sure be grateful when we get past the wall of crap.”  
“To be fair,” Nott interrupted from her position by Fjord’s knee. “The wall of crap also hides the entrance to the sewers.”  
The half orc blushed an odd purple colour as he realised that she must have heard a decent chunk of that conversation.  
“Uhhh, Sorry about that. I guess I’m just, ready to leave you know?”  
“That’s alright. Caleb and I are used to people judging us. To be fair, it might be because of my collections.”  
“What kind of collections do you have Nott?” Jester asked, dropping to a crouch.   
“Oh buttons, stones, sticks…”  
“Well that doesn’t sound too upsetting.”  
“Well no, but the stones I tend to collect are precious stones ladies wear as jewellery. And the sticks are often canes people use to walk…. It’s very difficult to stop taking them though, they’re always so pretty!”  
Fjord gave Jester a look and she shrugged back.  
“Maybe we warn the others about these collections before we lead these people into the camp?” He muttered into the tiefling’s ear as she straightened up again.   
As Jester gave Fjord a playful (yet surprisingly hard) punch to the shoulder, Caleb gave a small cheer. “Ah ha! We are free!”   
His hand was tugging on what looked like the leg of a stool but as it was pulled away from the wall it took a connected section of the trash pile with it as the whole swung open on well oiled hinges.   
At some point, someone had fastened the furniture together then converted part of it into a hidden door to allow them access to the tunnel ahead.   
Except they wasn’t a tunnel ahead.   
The darkening sky could be seen as the door opened to a large ditch dug into the ground leading to the sewers.   
“This was going to be an access point for maintenance,” Caleb explained. “For some reason they never got around to finishing it off and people started to use it as a dumping ground. So the criminal element got to customizing it for their personal use. I think the guards around here still don’t know about this.”  
Fjord cautiously poked his head out of the ditch and saw the open fields leading away from the walls of Yartar.   
Behind him, the sounds of the city was muted by a distance that could make all the difference even if one of the guards could spot them in this gloom.   
“Should we wait until it's completely dark?” Jester suggested. “There's bound to be lots of guards still looking for us.”  
“I don't think that's such a good idea,” Fjord said as he wiggled his way back down to the others, head tucked down. “First of all beau and Caleb won't see as well, even if we led them there's a decent chance they'll be on the ground before anyone even starts to follow us. Second of all I reckon those fellas we took down back there are gonna be missed real soon. That means any minute now they might send a bigger group after us. I don't know about you but I'd rather be a long way from here before they caught our trail.”  
“He's right.” Beau agreed. “We should go for whatever has less risks attached.”  
“So we are in favour then?” Caleb asked.  
“Now or never!”  
“Before we go, I'd like to suggest something.” The diminutive Nott said, raising her hand. “I can cast another illusion spell, but we will need to work together to make it work.”

Atop the wall surrounding Yartar, a guard stifled a wide yawn as he gazed out over the darkening road.  
The lamps inside were already lit and there seemed little point in conducting a search in the night. He didn't see why they couldn't just get back to the barracks already.  
It would have to happen on mutton pie night as well. By the time his shift ended whatever was left would be stone cold.  
Annoyed, the guard kicked a stone, watching it make a perfect arc down to the ground where it landed with a sharp “Owshh!”  
The guard found himself wondering idly what kind of animal made such a noise and he leaned out and peered down at something that was large, bear shaped and seemingly unsure of where it wanted to go.   
The head was peering left and right while the legs danced here and there in some sort of wobbly foxtrot, leading it towards a large copse that marked the edges of Lord Drylund’s jurisdiction.   
If the guard had been a little more alert, he would have heard the bear arguing with itself in 6 separate, hushed voices.  
“Stay together or we won't look like a bear, why did we have to be a bear? Surely a cow would be more believable, who let's their cows wander loose at night? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! We might as well be a sign saying fugitives here! Shush! You shush and stop leaning left! You were leading us and you lead us left! I'm not leading us, she's the head I was following her! Don't follow me! I don't know where we're going! Over there, no THERE!”  
By the time the bear had aimed roughly in the right direction and sped up it's movement, the wind had shifted and carried the voices away from the city.  
The guard pondered that maybe the bear had some sort of illness, then lost himself in more thoughts of mutton pie.

Why does the bear look so wobbly?

Have you ever tried to make an illusion cover half a dozen people at once, all of whom are moving independently of each other?

You know I don't know any spells, if you can't hit it I don't want to know.

Well you did ask. Anyway, they're out of the city now aren't they?

True, but how will they hear about-

Oh I have a plan for that too. Don't you worry.

It won't involve more magic will it?

Why did you marry a wizard if you don't like magic?

Because magic is magic, I can take it or leave it. Couldn't live without the wizard though.

Soppy old dwarf.

Damn right!


	17. Tuskless Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first book ends as everyone comes back together. 
> 
> Of course... being together doesn't necessarily mean you're safe. 
> 
> Featuring! 
> 
> Mysterious enemies!
> 
> Mention of past heroes!
> 
> Aunt Sally!
> 
> And my lunch...although, you don't get to see that bit. I was just eating while I uploaded this. Hot dogs are delicious!

The journey felt as though it took an age, but in reality it took no less than three quarters of an hour for the group to make its wobbly way to the copse.   
A dwarf rounded the trees and nearly had a heart attack upon seeing a very odd bear face to face so suddenly.   
His half elf companion, who had considerably more experience with magic and wildlife, held a finger to his lips and beckoned the bear into the centre of the copse. It turned out to also be the centre of the ring of wagons formed by the caravan and as soon as the illusion lifted, traders revealed themselves from among the branches to quietly but enthusiastically welcome the group back into their midst.   
Torgan and Sarissa held off on their greetings until the others had had a turn at congratulating Fjord and Erik on their escape, while asking after Jester and Beau’s health.  
Even Caleb and Nott had their hands shaken (Carefully in Nott’s case) to thank them for their aid.   
It’s good that you’re back,” Torgan began. “Now my wife and I must announce a few things.”  
Torgen flexed his bicep and allowed Sarissa to scramble up and and stand with one foot on each of his shoulders, becoming a makeshift platform for his wife.  
“Alright everyone, I don’t think I need to make it any more clear that we are in a state of emergency as of now. So first off, Yartar is officially on the banned list until and unless this mess is cleared up in its entirety. Second, the journey onwards will be dangerous, so we’re going to have to seperate. Families and especially those with young children will take your wagons to camp out in your respective havens. Group together where possible and be sure to have someone in your group who can send messages long distance. We’re just throwing them off our trail.”  
“All unmarried folks and those willing to get into some tight situations, you’ll be coming with me.” Torgan continued. “We’ll be the most recognisable including my family and the young lady, so we’re taking the biggest wagons with us. Don’t forget, we can lose a profit every once in a while but we can’t ever afford to lose a trader. Understood?”  
The crowd around Torgan growled and murmured their agreement. They would have roared their assent but for the city still in their eye line.   
“Very well,” Sarissa said. “We won’t be waiting for first light, we’re moving now. No lamps, Those with dark vision lead the horses. Wrap hooves, wheels and anything that might make a noise. Someone get to the children’s tents and make sure they sleep quietly throughout this. Use magic if you have to but keep it quiet and keep it dark! If anyone wants to offer up a silent prayer then be sure to send it to every god you can think of. We might need all the help we can get.”  
The crowd rumbled again and broke apart to begin the preparations for the great escape.   
Fjord couldn’t help but feel concerned over the look his mother had sent his way during the speeches, but now was not the time to question things.   
He caught Jester’s hand as it found its way to his and started towards the children’s wagon to help with the protections.   
As she leapt from her husband’s shoulders, Sarissa felt a hand on her arm and turned to see Caleb’s grubby and Nott’s porcelain face looking at her closely.   
“I believe we made a bargain madam did we not?”  
“We sure did Caleb.” Nott agreed.  
“I remember.” Sarissa nodded. “Do you remember the terms of that agreement?”  
“Ja, it was a hundred gold pieces to bring your boy and his friends safe to you again and that is what we have done.”  
“Can’t deny, he’s got all his arms and legs!” Nott added.   
“Ah but that’s not quite what I said is it?” The woman said, raising a cautionary finger. “I requested that you lead my son and his friends to safety. How safe do we appear here?”  
Caleb clenched his jaw a little. “I could say they’re a hell of a lot safer than they were when faced with the soldiers we had to fight for his sake. It will be a long time before we can go back to Yartar without danger to ourselves. I should think that if that isn’t enough for you to give us our payment then perhaps some compensation is in order?”  
“Yeah! We take gold and pretty gems and maybe rings if you have them?” Nott said hopefully.   
Sarissa sighed and rummaged in her pack. “I understand you two are going through more than you had expected and nobody likes that. How about we add another fifty gold, and for you to trail my boy and help him in what’s to come I give you a little something extra as an incentive?”  
“That’s not gonna fly with us lady!” Nott snarled, crossing her arms. “We’re harsh negotiators and we’ll need to see something amazing to agree to anymore of this kind of work with you lot.”  
Caleb nodded in agreement until he saw what Sarissa held in her hand.   
“I found this when we passed through Baldur’s Gate.” She said, flipping through the book. It was thick, leather and had a lock on the front in the shape of an eye. “There have been talks that the adventurer who wrote this was the best of his time. Studied and stalked every creature in this book. You know what they say after all, if it isn’t in Taryon’s Monster Book of Monsters then it isn’t worth knowing about.”   
Nott blinked up at the book, then looked with resignation at Caleb who was watching the book with an almost hypnotized gaze.   
“Ja we will do this thing for you.” He murmured, hands already rising to take the book.   
“Wonderful! So glad we could come to a mutual arrangement.” Sarissa handed the book over to Caleb who immediately cradled it in one arm so he could start looking through it.   
“That’s him gone for the night.” Nott sighed.  
“I shouldn’t worry about him then, maybe just get yourselves squirreled away in one of those wagons there. I can just see that girl bringing more trouble into Fjord’s lap and he’s going to need all the help he can get.”  
“If you think she’s going to be that much trouble then why let her hang around your son?”  
“Oh they’re made for each other. It’s one of those fated, great loves that come around once a century. I suppose I should have seen it coming given how his father and I met. That’s kids for you.”  
“Don’t even get me started, my boy Caleb could be a great wizard by next week if he wanted to, all off his own back. But he’s determined that Nightstone Academy will be able to take him further.”  
“Well he might have the right thinking there, a little outside influence never hurt. If not for that kind of thinking I might never have met Torgan.”  
“So you think Jester might be Fjord’s giant scary orc then?”  
Sarissa smothered her laughter with a hand while her shoulders shook. “I suppose that’s one way of looking at it. She’s a sweetheart, even with all this intrigue following her. Oh but even then it isn’t her fault, the poor child is being tangled up in somebody else’s web. I’m just glad we got her out before that fat old spider could get hold of her.”  
“He’s definitely the fattest spider I ever saw, but I bet you could get some good meals off of him before you’re done!”  
“Do you know Nott I quite like you! Come help me take off the decorations and we’ll chat some more.”  
As the two women wandered off amongst the quiet busyness of the trader clan, Caleb stood silently, reading through his new book. 

Back in the Water Baron’s castle, in a high tower that the servants were not permitted to enter, Lord Drylund was speaking into a tall mirror. It was ornate, silver backed and inscribed with runes. This allowed him to speak to certain people with whom he did many shady dealings.   
In this case, he was practically prostrate before a figure that wavered and flickered in the mirror.   
“Oh beloved mistress,” he simpered. “Most beautiful and terrible queen of my heart, the darkest of all-”  
“Do shut up and tell me where she is you fat fool.” Came a snapping, sharp voice that sounded like a whip crack.  
“Ahem, I must apologise but… I do not know where she is right now. She escaped thanks to some degenerates she was travelling with.”  
“So you allowed her to escape through your own incompetence.”  
“I would have been in no such position if it weren’t for the miserable half breed!” Lord Drylund snorted in anger. “Those beasts stole her practically from under my nose. Then there’s that awful lady in waiting of hers, I don’t think she’s been to a high court in her life.”  
“Cease your prattling! I am done with excuses, what have you been doing to rectify the situation?”  
“My finest hired man is already on their trail as we speak. He’s got plenty of experience in hunting as it were, so she’ll either be dead alongside her new friends or she’ll be dragged back here and tied in their intestines. Either way, I’ll have a new tiefling hair wig by the end of the week.”  
“It matters not what you do with her, only so long as you make it look as we planned.”  
“Already in motion my queen. I have men stationed in every city, town and crossroads between here and the desert. We’ll be able to continue just as planned. Whether for her death or her kidnapping, you’ll have what you came for.”  
“I should hope so. All going well Lord Drylund, you will also get all that you have earned.”  
“Oh thank you your darkness, I pray we may resolve the matter soon and you can join me here.”  
“Yes… about that. You’ve clearly proven unable to manage a smattering of beasts running around without falling flat on your face. Therefore, I shall come sooner than arranged”  
“Er, um… how much sooner?”  
“My ship has already left harbour, we arrive within a week.”  
“A week? B-but mistress, will it not seem suspicious for the plan to-”  
“No more suspicious than your idiocy has already proven. Now you must announce her disappearance. Far and wide. Make her life hell as you hunt her. Then she’ll be herded right into my grasp.”  
“And the rest of the plan?”  
“Will go perfectly smoothly with my guidance.”  
“Yes mistress, as you wish. Anything for you.”  
“As it should be.” The shape said as it flickered once more and disappeared. At best, the picture had shown a shadow of a humanoid shape in a dark cloak.   
Lord Drylund straightened up in front of the mirror, straightening his clothes. Once he was certain the connection had been broken, he sniffed at it. “You’ll learn to respect me when I’m king.”  
Leaving the tower, he found a guard and gave him instructions for a series of wanted posters for a half orc, an aarakocra, a human and their kidnapped victim, a blue tiefling. “Be sure and post them everywhere you can. We want all of the continent to find my bride safe and sound. These villains who took her won’t know what hit them. Understood?”   
The guard understood. Lord Drylund only hired understanding guards.   
Stepping into his study, he wasn’t at all surprised to find Vindeus waiting for him.   
“You found them?”   
“Not exactly sir. They’ve gone to ground. Killed a number of men in the sewers while we watched their caravan, now they appear to be heading off in the night. I left a token in one of their wagons. One way or another, we’ll catch up with them.”  
“Good. I’ll have her back in my arms soon enough. Then I’m going to skin the little wretch alive.”  
“Of course sir” 

Piling on the evil aren’t you?

Well it’s a finale moment isn’t it? Got to give the readers a bit of something wild to play with.

It’s hardly the finale though, there’s lots more after this. 

More chapters yes, but have you noticed how much is done? This is book length already! We really need to make it a series at this point.

Oh blast, you’re right. I hope we don’t annoy the commissioner, everyone always thinks the extra words means extra money.

I wish! Still, I’d almost do this one for free. It is fun!

Me too I must admit! But don’t tell anyone else, or they’ll think we’re serious.

Mum’s the word!

Well if we’re stopping here we’d better get it all bound and sent off to Mr Gilmore. He’s been giving peeks to his customers and apparently there might be some money in it for us even after we’re done!

Well gosh! I do hope we get that permission slip back soon from the young…. erm… what was their name again?

Oh you are getting forgetful in your old age. The person who commissioned us was-

Coo-eeeeeee, where are my boys?

Good lord Aunt Sally! What are you doing here at this time of day?

I thought you could use a proper meal, I know how you boys get when you’re writing. Honestly you’d think this marriage of yours would involve one of you cooking every once in a while.

Dill won’t let me cook since I set the shed on fire. 

Darn right I won’t! Now stop the recordings while I go get us some plates. Oh Aunt Sally, let us tell you about this latest project we have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unless anyone wants something silly and fun the next 'book' will start next Sunday. I'm still a little new to AO3 but I'll try and make sure it links up for everyone to find easily. If I do mess up I'll leave a link here. 
> 
> Of course if anyone DOES want anything silly I'm more than willing to take suggestions. The next chapter is ready for editing and playing with so it would just be to give everyone a break from the semi-serious plot moments.


End file.
